Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Thanks Wayfarer, Scout, Alison, Wooba.

Wooba, I'd forgotten about that Trump comment. I am smiling about it all now.

On the trip and control thing. Bear with me a minute, I'm going to try to figure some stuff out here and have a few questions.

Scout, I think I'm feeling both the condition and reaction part right now. I'm scared if he goes and has a fun time on this trip (which I know he will) it will just be more evidence for him that D is the right answer. I'm scared if I change my mind it will be more evidence for him that I *will* change my mind on other things and he'll be able to have his fantasy D. I'm scared if I let up even one single inch on this, he'll get his fingers under there and use it to convince me that this is actually all OK, step by step, starting with this five day trip and moving on to a month next summer and ending with being BFFs with H and AP. In the dynamic we have going on right now, where it very much does feel like a power struggle, I feel like I need to hold onto my truths/boundaries/whatever-I'm-calling-them-- or else I'm just demonstrating that he can get whatever he wants if he only badgers me enough about it.

The anger/reaction side says why should he get to do this. F him. I *do* have control over some things and maybe it gives me the illusion of greater control over my life in general to be able to hang onto the threads I have, which include being able to say yes or no to my children going on a trip.

I think I was a little thrown from having the trip morph so quickly from four weeks (a two week chunk followed by two one weeks) into two five-day trips, which you guys are right, are eminently more reasonable. But I'd spent all my energy thinking about a month or maybe two weeks at a minimum and was able to feel comfortable saying no to those, I'd said no to 2 weeks over and over and over throughout our M but have been OK with one week. So him coming back to me with two five days stretches as a proposal is actually pretty reasonable, I know. i am just not sure I am able to be reasonable right now.

In terms of what would happen if I was vulnerable... he definitely wouldn't say postpone the trip for six months. At this point, we have no coverage for the kids starting at the end of July for a month so that was part of all of this. I think I would get one of two answers-- one, he might say thank you for being honest and considering this. Two, he might say something along the lines of "I knew you would be reasonable" which would make me feel like this is all just a slippery slope and i'm just proving he can convince me of anything.

So... I'm struggling with the idea of letting go, making sure I'm really NOT being controlling (and yes, I see that I am here) in terms of dictating what our future Ded lives will look like)-- that feels like DBing. Let go and let god. But also afraid that by letting go of what *I* want or believe for the future, i'll get swept up into his next level of garbage and a year from now telling you guys it isn't so bad to have a sister-wife.

OK. So he just got back from surfing and walked in. Asked me what I was doing, I said journaling and put away my computer. He had some look on his face I couldn't quite interpret. I said, I'm thinking. About what you asked me. This is hard. And I wanted to go on this trip too. And (unfortunately) a tear ran down my cheek.

He said, I know. He put his hand on my arm then took it away. he said, that isn't really fair, because you know I want you to come. that is my ideal for this trip, that the two of us are showing our girls our State, together, as a family. I want any potential future to always include the potential for these kinds of things. But I know that is not something that you are okay with.

Then he said, I know you think we should just go on this trip, and I should let her go, and we can buckle down and work on us. And that is really attractive to me. But I feel like for two years I kept postponing my decision based on short-term things-- I'll just get through this and then I'll deal with it--and I don't know that using the time pressure of this trip is a good idea for me. I'm not ready to make a decision today. I said, when will you ever be ready? He said, I don't know. I'm waiting for some big new factor to sweep in and make it easy. Your anger is a new factor and big. It goes both ways. Part of me thinks if you're going to be a b*$ch why should I want to be with you? But I know that you deserve to be angry and it was maybe strange before that the anger wasn't here, and so maybe it is good in that direction too (I think, meaning if we stay together. He had said in the past he was afraid if he stayed that my rage would come out one day and be terrible.)

I didn't say anything.

Then he said, what if we just spent some time together and each laid out 100% what we are thinking without any interjections or disagreeing or agreeing or anything? Just said everything we are thinking. We could get out a white board and map out a decision tree. (He started to get v enthusiastic). I said, I don't think that is a good idea. I don't want to do your emotional processing for you. That isn't fair. I feel like you just want me to make the decision with you so that you feel less guilty about the decision you make. He said, that isn't it. I'm comfortable with that decision needing to be mine. I just want you to be comfortable with whatever comes after, either direction. I just don't have anyone to really process this with and who knows me better than you? And if we could separate that friends part of each of us from the damaged romantic partner parts of us, maybe we could do it. (Note that he also considers himself a damaged romantic partner because of the SSM.)

I didn't respond. Don't think I'm going to do that, particularly the whiteboarding part (really???) And then somehow this discussion about the trip did morph into a request for, if I'm understanding this correctly, a request for me to listen without judging or interrupting a monologue about everything he thinks which of course would include AP and trample all over my boundaries. So, folks, you see about the slippery slope? While at the same time he wasn't really overt about it. and I don't actually think it was deliberate. Just that I gave him a little glimpse of "May can be reasonable" and his brain jumps immediately to the big thing he wants me to accept.

yet, I know that having an H choose to stay in an M because he is afraid of his W being too unreasonable in a D situation is not what I want, either. And somehow, this post turned from me trying to examine my own fears and insecurities around the trip into dissecting his head again.

Well, at least I don't think he has cottoned onto much of this going on in my head. I didn't say yes to anything. I just told him I was thinking about it and it was hard. I didn't agree to any additional R talks. I just listened, he was respectful in demeanor.