I popped back in here before bed because I couldn’t stop snorting about the Democrat comment and then I saw wooba’s Donald Trump comment... I, too, am laughing my @ss off right now. I hope you are smiling, May!
Just wanted to say that I completely empathise with your feelings. It’s not the same as a week-long trip, but... about three months after BD, X took my S (who was about 18 months old at the time) to his parents place for a family BBQ. It was the first family event where I was not invited. My S was experiencing some separation anxiety at the time, and his dad had been MIA from his life in all meaningful ways since BD, so he had to be peeled, screaming, from my arms. I cried my everloving eyes out once they left (after trying to explain to my little S that mama was very sorry and very sad and wished she could come too but he would have fun and it would all be okay, while X stood there and did nothing to comfort or reassure the baby)... whew.
Anyway. I had a point about acceptance and letting go of control. Consider the difference between boundaries, conditions, and reactions.
Boundary: “I’m not comfortable with the girls being away for that long.” Condition: “I’m not comfortable with the girls being away for that long UNLESS we are working on the marriage.” Reaction: “I’m not comfortable with the girls being away for that long BECAUSE you are a lying, cheating sh!tbag.”
Boundaries are based on principle. Conditions and reactions are based on emotion.
All you can do is state your boundary to H. He decides whether to respect it or not. He respects it - cancels or postpones the trip. He doesn’t respect it - sulks or rages or threatens. The reason for your discomfort doesn’t need to be disclosed. Your feelings are valid and don’t require explanation. Alison’s script is excellent if you are working with someone reasonable and respectful. However, at this point, your H uses your explanations as an opportunity to negotiate. And because boundaries are principled, they should never be negotiated, lest you betray yourself.
Act on principle, not emotion. If you can’t disagree with the trip on principle... let them go.
You are an authentic person. You’ll know the difference between the three, intrinsically, because putting forth conditions and reactions will make you feel hollow inside. They may have the desired effect on your H’s behaviour, but it will be a Pyrrhic victory. Conditions are fear manifesting as control. Reactions are anger manifesting as control. If you try to act on principle rather than emotion, you’ll be able to look back on this horrid time with pride in your strength rather than regret for your weakness.
Note: we all have moments of weakness during our marriage crises and they absolutely should be excused due to stress
Last edited by job; 07/04/2011:32 AM. Reason: edited language
