I am noticing a pattern. There were a couple of months when I was posting here and going, 'yeah, it's mainly fine, and now and again he behaves awfully, and I have boundaries around that, but 'fine' isn't enough for me.'
I wondered if my super-tight boundaries were the thing causing 'fine' and stopping us getting to 'great' so I relaxed them a little, he acted abysmally, and I've tightened them up again and stepped up on me telling my own truth, as I see it, in respectful ways, when I see fit. I think that's a good decision for me and I certainly feel better about it.
Now we're at 'fine' again. I can list the good points: he is working incredibly hard in a very difficult job (this isn't an excuse for when he behaves badly, but it is true - he's exhausted and the work is physically and mentally demanding and at times, quite traumatic). He makes a fair financial contribution and I never need to worry about that. There's no sense that he is financially controlling or withholding, and I am not either.
He also does a fair share of housework and that generally isn't a problem. I'm working at home right now so I do more of that and the day-to-day childcare, but he pulls his weight at the weekends on both, and he does respect my work and doesn't expect me to be 100% working and 100% housewife at the same time. If I'm tired or bored or can't be bothered and the housework slides, he considers that to be 'our' job to sort out and not mine. I value that a lot.
He is accountable to me where he is and when I can expect to see him. He can sometimes be a bit annoying when I am trying to pin down his working pattern, but I don't have any doubts that is related to a continuing EA or PA. He texts me when he's at work, checks in with me and sees if there's anything I need, and he asks me before taking on extra shifts. He lets me know when he is going to be late. When he goes go out for GAL, he generally arranges this with me.
He is not controlling about my GAL. I could see my friends or get out every evening if I wanted to, and he'd never interfere or try to stop me, even if it meant he was doing a double shift of work and childcare, or was responsible for the cooking several nights in a row. It's never a problem.
I am doing cooking for all of us and all washing again. I told him I wasn't going to, he said fine, and I felt so petty about it - and silly - given that it isn't extra work for me - that I quietly started again. He is generally pretty good at expressing gratitude for these sorts of things. I don't feel domestically taken for granted.
I have a BUT feeling and I don't know where it is coming from. FS, you're right, I would be totally fine without him. In some ways, it would be practically harder and in others it would be easier. May - I think you're right in that there's always been a part of me that has wanted him down on bended knee, full of remorse, and begging for forgiveness. I guess there's a bit of me that wants our shared story to be that he was the 'bad guy' and I 'forgave him' as much as he needs the story to be that I was incompetent, and he came back to 'save' me. Neither of these are true stories. The true story is, we had a bad marriage that we slid into through selfishness, neglect and emotional immaturity on both our parts. He blew this up with a short-lived EA, I reacted to that incredibly destructively (I basically had a tantrum that lasted a full year!) and we got caught in a cycle where his anger caused some damage to me, and my distress caused me to be controlling, which damaged him.
And now - here we are. I think we do both hold back. And I think we both are really resistant to 'accepting' the story of the other. There's a part of me that wants him to be so incredibly sorry he treats me like a princess FOREVER and there's a part of him that wants me to be so incredibly needy and broken that I treat him like a hero FOREVER. And I'm not treating him like a hero and he doesn't like it, and he's not treating me like a precious princess and I don't like it.
I know that's not a mature or attractive thing to admit to, but it is true so I may as well lay it out there. I am sure this thing with my promotion at work ties into that. I wanted him to be delighted and amazed and treasure me and shower me with praise and affection, and he still wants me to be needy and desperate and looking up to him as my saviour, and neither of us really knew what to do as two mature and equal adults in that moment.
I guess it is new to us. We were very young when we got together (I am 37 and we've been together since I was 22) and perhaps some of this is the growing pains of a long relationship. Perhaps we are moving towards a less idealised and more equal way of doing things. Perhaps we're moving apart, and towards a civilised divorce.
I really don't know yet. Thanks for bearing with me while I try to work it out!
