Whilst I am not in the same place as you, I do know what it feels like to be stuck. Like a decision has to be made and you don't know what that decision is. But I've come to realise that sometimes you don't need to make a decision. You just need to let it be. Irrespective of the situation, the answer is one step in front of the other.
There is also something to be said about 'our truths'. We talk a lot here about not letting our truths be eroded by their truths. But even our truths are not fixed. They change from day to day and from minute to minute. You say you want to leave him (and that is true) and you say you want to try and work on it (and that is true also). You are searching for an answer through self reflection and also by keenly monitoring his behaviour.
Self reflection has it's place. You've done a lot of it over the last two years. You've dissected your relationship, identified areas to work on and worked on them. But you cannot change the past. It is time to leave the past behind and continue your work on you.
Monitoring his behaviour for sign also has it place. But his behaviour will change from day to day because change is hard. He is trying. Sometimes he will succeed, sometimes he will fall back into his old patters. Don't monitor too closely but watch for consistency over time. Not the daily one step back two steps forward changes.
What is really positive about your sitch is you KNOW that no-matter how this plays out - you WILL be alright.
That's a powerful position to come from and that is because of all the work you've done on yourself over the last year. Now, let it just play out. May is right, the answers will come ... but I will add .... if you stop trying to force the answers to come.
