No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all,

I need some support because I am quite lost with how things are evolving. As I posted last time, W asked me for D through her L last week, it took a toll on me emotionally but I used sports, my children and friends to minimize the impact. A couple of days ago W invited me to her house over for a conversation, we talked for about 3 hours and this is more or less how it went.

W wanted me to open so I told her I had nothing new to say. She know perfectly how I feel about our M, our family and I said she is free to have the D if she wants it but I do not agree and will never state I don't want to be married to her, our M was a farce or I regret committing myself to her. She told me she sees no changes in me because I still think she does not care about the family and the way I seeked a second L and I tried to enforce shared custody without talking to her and she sees those actions as reason to believe I haven't changed. Since her feelings are still the same and she saw no changes she thought about ending all for once and hence the D. I apologized for any action that might have led her to feel that way but I explained to her I was following my L and IC support and I wanted to defend my position as a man.

She said a man does not reduce the pension like a miserable human or force the children to stay with their grandparent when he travels for work. I told her I felt she was not able to separate the law process in between us that she started from what I am as a man and partner. She stated that for her the way I behave during the legal process says a lot about what kind of man I am. I replied that I do not care or worry for many nowhere near as much as I did, I know I had lots of issues in the past but now it was purely about what is fair. The chat went on and on like that, she told me I have very poor if any emotional intelligence, I told her I can see why you feel that way I have also realized my behavior was very poor. She attacked me, I agreed and tried to validate her feelings. Then she asked me about her issues, I said I had missed her physically a lot and I missed having a partner that I can share my hobbies with. She blamed me for those too, saying she wont come close to me if there is not emotional connection and that I had done a bad job expressing those hobbies to her. She also talked about how S was necessary because of the way we were all the time fighting at home and she told me I had only seen all my issues after S. I said I understood she must have felt a lot of frustration and that I apologized for not having taken action before on me.

About 3 or 4 times she told me she was not in a place to talk R or go out with me even for a walk. She also mentioned if we do R it will not be by going to retrouvaille or similar, but slowly via talking. To sum up, she seemed very keen to understand my demands from the legal process, she insisted she has no feelings for me, we are S and she is free as a bird, I am 99.5% at blame, I have not changed and she can stick to a legal S with no promises that we will ever R. I remained calm and strong throughout the conversation, calling it on her BS in a calm way, telling her all the times she criticizes me and not my behavior on a particular point in time and how negative that is, admitting my flaws and stating very clearly that I wasnt happy either and she is free to think of me as she wants, I have very clear values and goals as a father and man. W cried during our conversation, I think it was genuine because it was not fake tears, but instead the ones that slowly flood your eyes until they unavoidably come out.

S6 was asking if I could stay to play or dinner but I left around 11 pm. I tried to kiss her cheek goodbye and she moved away in front of S6. I dont know how I still expose myself to all that disrespect.

I arrived home and I cried, my brain was torn between two ideas. Either I had just received the worst emotional manipulation from W to make sure she has enough alimony to live in the house she is now (better than mine btw) or I really managed a calm conversation were I showed her I can listen, be calm and constructive. I struggled with thoughts like, "did you not see how she moved back? she still treats you as an infected, the way she talks about going out and being free, focking let her go and have a good acid taste of what she is losing, be the man you were for you and your children, that man had no issues getting as many women as he wanted!" or others like "a woman who brings D to the table in such an ugly way is not having second thoughts, she is just very out of love".

The next morning I went to see my lawyer, I told her the story and how lost I was. I said, L, help me, I am in your hands. I do not know what I should do and I feel like I might be being manipulated in a heavy way. My L said, Pack, I told you I thought you were being too harsh with the reduction in alimony based on your salary difference, I agree with your W that the way you behave in this process speaks about what a man you are. I am here to cover your interest. She suggested we raise alimony a bit, we add a condition that the moment W reaches certain salary level alimony is over and I leave the kids with her when I have to travel for work. She told me not to be scared of D and she said she was proud the way I was acting in a calm way and that I would never regret using my salary to give my children a better life quality, even when they are with W.

When I look in the mirror, when I go to sleep and when I speak to God I am proud of both my actions and attitude and the man I am working to become. I re-read the advice from Sandi 4-5 times a day and I am working to stop fighting for my M. I am going to save Pack, his integrity as a man, his happiness, his value as a friend, father and son. I will stop all contact with W in terms of telling her I want to rebuild our M.

yesterday I went to meet my best friend's newborn baby, Lola. being there, talking about birth and the feelings it brought up all these memories from when we had our S1 in Munich, when W was pregnant last time and all that we lived together in a country where language was a challenge. W had a very fast delivery, to the point that the relaxed german doctors did not have the time to give her the epidular and S1 had a painful natural birth. W was exhausted after all but I was with her all the time and that night, breaking the rules of the german hospital, I stayed with S1 overnight so that she could have some rest. It was one of the happiest days in my life.

I feel sad, like I have lost the most valuable things I ever had because of my internal problems. I did a lot of crying at home, truth is my W has given me some amazing things and I have two wonderful minimonsters thanks to our R.

I am having some bad days and I could really use some views and help from the board! thanks a lot for all your support and help, please keep posting. I need this more than ever these days