Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Scout, on reflection the Democrat comment was funny. In the moment I was miffed. But at the same time I was thinking is he kidding me? Are we really comparing me not wanting to have fake family holiday with my cheating husband with being a Republican???

I was reading your post, Scout, the toddler part, when he was putting the kids down. I was giggling and he came and sat down right next to me, super close, and asked me what I was giggling about. I'd closed the phone up and said I didn't want to tell him. he got all hurt... I'm "keeping secrets" from him now. I don't want to tell him what I'm doing on my phone. Isn't that exactly what I'm asking him not to do.

Ok. That was actually funny in real time. I didn't laugh out loud though I know I had to control it a little. I told him that was pretty rich coming from him.

We're planning on watching Hamilton tomorrow night as a family (woo hoo Disney Plus!!). The girls are super excited. We were supposed to go on Spring Break to see it, but had to cancel for Covid. Our girls are so, so into it. Wayfinder, if you're reading here, I remember you saying seeing Hamilton was one of the last things you did together as a family before BD, is that right? It has become this huge family thing, the kids listen to it as their sleep soundtrack, they did camping skits with the songs, we listen to it in the car all the time. My daughters know every single word. And a couple of weeks ago when he'd read Shirley Glass and decided to get all the rest of the potentially hurtful secrets off his chest, one was that he has actually already seen Hamilton. Two years ago. With AP. he assured me that he may have seen it with her but she didn't contaminate it for him, it was a special family thing, him with the girls and me. And I'm like... you don't get that both ways. Sorry. now it *is* kind of contaminated for me. I'm just so pissed at him for blowing everything up in our lives, I can't even watch this show now I've been looking forward to for literally years with my kids without thinking of H and AP together on a f-ing date.

Alison, Scout... In/re the trip. I spent some time trying to think if I was being unreasonable. I think I probably am. But I *feel* unreasonable at the moment. I don't want him to take the kids away for five nights. I don't want him to go have fun and pretend everything is A-ok. I'm angry and sad and not really feeling like doing anything to make him happy. The sick, twisted angry part of me would happily live a stunted life for awhile if it meant his life was stunted more. I'd suck it up and play into every horrible image he has of me, if only to prevent him from getting everything he wants. Now I'm being the foot-stomping toddler. Also, I'm pissed because this particular trip was MY IDEA. I'm the one who wants to do it. Now I don't get to go because oh right, my GD H is a d$!khead.

(And this is why I don't like to tend the anger inside of me. I am NOT NICE.)

So... you're probably right. I have no safety issues. no good reasons to say no except I simply don't want to. I probably need to sit with this for a bit because it isn't really setting us up for a healthy co-parenting dynamic, and stepping back this isn't the person I want to be in the long run. But right now I just don't have it in me to be cool with this.

I had a second attorney consult today. She was looser than the first attorney, pretty funny. I'm not sure which one I'd want more in a real situation. But she did say she thought a post-nup would be a good idea if we didn't end up getting Ded right away for whatever reason. And was a bit more open in terms of the breadth of agreements we could make with each other financially, like we could possibly still co-own the house but I would have sole occupancy rights. And if he spends any money on AP it is a credit back to me. So good to continue to have more advice on how to protect myself going forward.