There is nothing wrong, intrinsically, with feeling stuck for a bit. it means something. You're the absolute best at figuring that kind of thing out, taking a step back, feeling your feelings, casting aside the distractions and honing in on what really counts. You'll do that again here. I think maybe feeling stuck right now is not a bad thing. It is OK to slow down, figure out what is going on. Be kind to yourself.
I know all the books say that he has to take responsibility for you to heal. Back when I thought my H was back in it, I had a lot of anger bubbling up and a similar "I don't know exactly what to do with this" because he was not ready to handle it. I wonder that if even in the best of cases, when the WH comes begging back on their hands and knees, ultra remorseful and willing to do anything to make it right-- if piecing is hard even in those circumstances, is there even a chance when things aren't perfect?
But then I also think-- life isn't perfect. Things don't work this way. What if your next step isn't needing him to show remorse for you to forgive him? What if you could process those feelings on your own, and know he simply doesn't have the capacity right now to own his hurtful behaviors and tell you he's sorry in any kind of meaningful way? Is there a way you could still let that hurt go, nothing to do with him, everything to do with you not wanting to hang onto those feelings anymore, for YOU?
I know I said this to you awhile back and I think it may be worth repeating. I wonder how much of your stuck-ness on the past has to do with being upset with him for treating you poorly, and how much it has to do with you letting yourself be treated poorly?
Hoping you can get some space for yourself today, do something nice for yourself, give yourself a break from this for a bit. The answers will come to you. I'm not worried at all.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
