I've woken up in a strange mood today. H hasn't done anything - he's mainly been at work, and been a little grumpy and short tempered with exhaustion when he's been in the house, but mainly just sleeping - which is fine and what I expected. I don't think my feelings relate to anything he has done or not done. The house is peaceful and he is treating me fine and respecting my boundaries - at the moment.
What is bubbling up for me if that he is never, ever sorry. He's done and said some really atrocious things both in our distant and recent past. He will - he has - sometimes expressed some regret, but it is has been in the context of me telling him how awful it was for me, and how difficult I find it to feel safe with him, not as the result of a change of heart caused by self reflection.
I know I can protect myself from him when he starts raging and sulking. It doesn't really hurt me any more. But I do carry hurt from the past. I don't want to rely on his remorse and sorrow to let go of that and feel better - because this isn't to do with him and our M but it is to with my well being.
This is a bit of of a pattern with me: I can do brilliant boundaries, and for a while he will respond and treat me with respect, and when I do that that space and safety, my feelings about the way he treated me in the past bubble up.
I wish I'd had boundaries like this a year or two years ago. If I had, I'd have divorced him by now. I am not sure how knowing that - 100% - is compatible with piecing. I don't think I can piece things together with him without him really getting what he did, and being sorry for it - and there is sometimes glimmers of that, but not in any sustained way - he just doesn't have the emotional maturity to do that self reflection.
I am not sure why I am all of a tangle today. I don't really want to be around him, but I'm not pulling the trigger on D either, and I could - there's nothing financial or practical stopping me. I feel stuck.
