Good morning May. You did great! Scout called this - he was having a little temper tantrum because he's not getting his own way. I think in time you will come to find this as silly and amusing as we do. In the meantime, just do what you're dong - don't take the bait, don't negotiate with him when he's being emotionally manipulative, and don't show any upset, fear or anger. You are amazing.
I suspect your Husband will turn the volume up on this before he's done - either more rage, or self pity, or charm - so watch for that. Have your handbag, purse and keys to hand so that if you need to leave abruptly for a walk, you can do.
A lot of your journey over the past few months has been about accepting the truth and bringing your actions into line with that truth. I see you doing that. It isn't easy. And a lot of that journey has been painful - it has been horrible for you to accept your husband is a lying cheater who manipulates you to get what he wants and that you have been allowing that. It's horrible.
I think there might be more steps to take. If you rebuild a marriage with your H it is going to have to rest on your complete autonomy - no manipulation from him - and his complete freedom - no pressure or bargaining from you. And if you divorce, you will have to navigate co-parenting just the same - with a man you have no influence or control over, and who has no influence and control over you.
I don't think I'd want my kids away from me for a month either. But unless you have specific safety concerns, I don't see any reason why he shouldn't take them for two five day trips. If he's a good dad the kids need him and they need alone time with him. And if you divorce, 50/50 might be best for the girls and vacations with a father who loves them and is capable of caring for them is good for them and good for you.
I wonder if you are ready to drop the rope entirely? It seems he does feel controlled, and it seems there are two things you are hanging on to - not letting him have this trip with the girls - and telling him what his divorced future is going to look like. What does it feel like to let those goes?
'I've changed my mind. We're going to move towards 50/50 custody with the girls, so we may as well get used to that now.'
'I have no idea what our friendship will be like in ten year's time. All I know is that I won't be in an open marriage, and that I don't particularly feel like being friendly with a man I am divorcing for adultery right now.'
I think moving toward these positions would help your H feel less controlled, wouldn't mean you giving up your boundaries, and might put enough space and air into the situation that your husband can think about what he wants and needs rather than constantly pitting himself against Big Bad May who won't let him have his own way.
