Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

OK guys,

I need some moral support here. You guys would be totally proud of what I just did but it was not easy.

He came to talk to me (I was laying in bed reading). Said he knew he had scheduled the campervan rentals without talking to me, really, and he mostly did it in response to having to cancel the big trip. I said nothing. He asked what I thought of shortening it to two five-day trips and he could take the girls. I said no. He said well if we decide to make a go of it we can do the trips together as a family. I shrugged, nodded. he said well what if we're still in this place we are right now? No change? I just looked at him and he answered his own question, then I guess we should just cancel it. I went back to my book.

He kept walking in and saying something and leaving when I wouldn't engage. Examples: (he had a 1-1 session with the MC today) MC said it is messed up you're using this trip as leverage to get what you want. You're going to get your way and control me like you've controlled me our entire lives. You can't have it both ways, you love me and want to R with me on one hand or you hate me on the other. You can't play both sides. You shouldn't be a Democrat because you are so close-minded. You only see what you want to see and refuse to consider anything else. (That made me kind of angry, I said I'm not going to listen to this and walked away. He said that's how it's always been, you won't listen.) If we are split by then it is only fair you get them half the time and I get them half the time so I can legally take them on these trips. (To this I did respond, no, you can't. We both have to agree on travel, legally.) Then, you can't say you love them and are making decisions in their best interest if you don't let them go. You're being selfish. You can't both say you want to R because it is in the best interests of our children and yet switch to not taking them into consideration, they'll have to do more summer school instead of a trip? Maybe I'll just go by myself then (I said that sounds great and he leapt on that immediately-- why is it not OK for them to be away from you but OK for them to be away from me?). Etc.

It wasn't yelling, but he was angry. I tried to imagine him like a wave battering me as a tall rock or cliff on the shore. I wasn't going anywhere. (Someone gave me that imagery a long time ago-- thank you!) I responded minimally, from I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to speculate, I'm not going to argue with you about this, I'm not having this discussion with you right now, I'm not going to be manipulated into changing my mind. This is a boundary for me. I left twice. At one point he said this is three weeks away, the likelihood is that things won't have changed significantly. I said, maybe they should. This can't go on forever. he said, if you've changed your mind about what you want let me know. I said, I'm not making this decision for you.

Anyway. That was it. He took D10 to soccer practice and I'm trying to be calm and be sure I'm doing the right thing. I *don't* want him to decide to stay in the M because otherwise I won't "let" him go on this trip with the kids without me. I get I can stop this whole thing by pulling the plug but I really don't want to do that still. I want to make him make this choice himself.

I guess-- focus on me, I'm doing the right thing by myself and the kids. I don't want to be apart from them, I don't think it is in their best interests to be apart from me. Partially, I kind of get not really that much of a change to play happy family on a trip vs playing happy family here at home, so maybe this is yet another arbitrary deadline I've put onto this. he said how are we going to explain to them why we aren't going on this trip if we are in this same place in three weeks? I didn't answer, but that is kind of a good question. I just want either a clean break or the third party out of the picture. I don't want to continue to enable his ridiculous fantasy by playing along.

I know consistency is key and there is more to come of all of this.