Some questions that are important to me... 1. If he wants to have an R talk, do I keep everything to myself, and just listen only? This is where I would lean in on the moving out...but would this be only if he brought it up? or would I ?
Listen and validate. Ask questions if you need clarification. “I see that you are angry.....am I understanding correctly that you are upset because of XYZ?”
Originally Posted by BlueSea
2. When we did MC about 2 weeks ago, we were supposed to have 'check-ins' with eachother, I was hoping he would initiate that, but no surprise he has not. Let that go? 3. I had come up with a plan with a friend last night that seemed like something with structure that would work for me, it would be re-evaluated monthly... that he could stay in the house, only if: First -nothing new or questionable comes up, ie night time runs Second- that we attend MC or he attends IC at least 2x's per month Third - that he intends to make some efforts towards the marriage If any of that did not happen then it was time for him to move out.
Again, you have no control over his actions. You are not his mother. You cannot be the enforcer of the rules. You probably can’t even force him to move out. You can only control YOU. Please let go of any expectation of him doing anything. He may keep doing all the things that you despise. What you can only do is to set boundaries for yourself - If he’s yelling at me I will walk away.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
He is actually being pretty nice right now, bordering on amicable. Would go so far as to say is in a better mood. I see that as a good thing. What I have noticed is that when I DB by not speaking unless spoken to, and keeping it short, and ending the conversation first - results in him getting sullen. He starts doing that back to me, even harder. And becomes generally unpleasant. So what I am seeing is that that tactic does not work for us.
You do have to experiment to see what works for you. But one thing to keep in mind is this: “One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage.”
Sorry I forgot which vet wrote this but it’s in my book of quotes. Hope it helps.
