Living with a WAS/MLC husband...who does not care

[BlueSea]

LH and Steve ---Taking both of your advice together ...

I am trying to put together a plan that I can wrap my head around. I am going to DB as best I can for the next 2 weeks (focus on detachment, removing all pressure and pursuit, not bring up any R talks AT ALL, show change via action only). Just get to that timeline of 2 weeks, then re-evaluate where I am at, how he is relating to me, journal any actions (positive or negative) and try to link that back to my actions (ie, what is working and what isn't).

Some questions that are important to me...
1. If he wants to have an R talk, do I keep everything to myself, and just listen only? This is where I would lean in on the moving out...but would this be only if he brought it up? or would I ?

2. When we did MC about 2 weeks ago, we were supposed to have 'check-ins' with eachother, I was hoping he would initiate that, but no surprise he has not. Let that go?

3. I had come up with a plan with a friend last night that seemed like something with structure that would work for me, it would be re-evaluated monthly... that he could stay in the house, only if:
First -nothing new or questionable comes up, ie night time runs
Second- that we attend MC or he attends IC at least 2x's per month
Third - that he intends to make some efforts towards the marriage
If any of that did not happen then it was time for him to move out.

But, after typing all that out, and thinking how great that was ... the bottomline right now is ... he does not want to even be in this relationship at all, regardless of OW, he believes there is no happy life for him that will include me. So, that plan is not going to work at all --- maybe later, if he ever is interested in us again - but for now, what I have to do, is keep that first 'rule' in play for myself - if he does something questionable (contact with OW, night runs, etc) then it will just have to be time to go. Period. No backsliding.

He is actually being pretty nice right now, bordering on amicable. Would go so far as to say is in a better mood. I see that as a good thing. What I have noticed is that when I DB by not speaking unless spoken to, and keeping it short, and ending the conversation first - results in him getting sullen. He starts doing that back to me, even harder. And becomes generally unpleasant. So what I am seeing is that that tactic does not work for us.

What I have been journaling that seems to work is definitely giving him his space but also being pleasant to him - not overly sugary/handmaiden like - but just generally pleasant and interested -- and his moods get better. Not chattiness, but genuine interest when talking about his work or what he is talking about and try to exit before any awkward silences come up. Also, calling him out on when he is being really rude to me. In the moment he barks, but when I stand 'gentle but firm' that it isn't okay, he takes a minute and then usually says he is sorry, that he did not mean to be.

I think that is what is working - who knows?! He does not say too much, or share his feelings, but I sense that he is making a try. I have let a lot of anger go recently, specifically around the incident and catching something from it - its been a little over a week. He understood that anger, or so he said. But if there is any hope, I need to move on from it. Anger is my enemy.

I have since found out who she is, and what she does, looks like, and when I am feeling a little too hopeful, I just say her name and it immediately deflates me and pushes me towards detachment. I also have been trying to spend time just thinking about life without H, to keep me grounded. Just a few mins every day - what does that feel like? how would that happen? What would I do? What kind of person would I want to be with? I need to prepare for the possibility that even though I love this man (and all his faults) he may, in the end, not love me back (ouch). I have alot of love and adventure to share with someone that would appreciate it if he doesn't.