Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Thanks, everyone.

Scout-- your questions deserve more than what I can give them right now but I've been pondering them and will work on them over the next few days.

I think he needs to live it to understand it. He knows what it *might* feel like for him, but he has so far proved he is unable to see things from anyone else's perspective and still holds on to this pipe dream of being a happy family of 5. I suspect he will be unprepared for the fallout of breaking up a family, and how the children are going to react (I think this is so much of an unknown, no matter how much you prepare them for the changes ahead). Re the holiday scenario, I dont see you as being petty. Does he really think that during this period uncertainty (which clearly your D has already picked up on) the girls will want to spend 2/3/4 weeks away from their home and their mum? They might not want to go with him at all - has he considered that? Whether you frame it as being for their benefit not to go for a prolonged period, or for your own benefit, you are not in the wrong, and it's ok to say "I'm not ready for this right now". He's taken away your M, your H, potentially your home and now the children, all on his terms? He doesnt get to have it all his own way, it doesnt work like that!! That's not to say you should be confrontational and controlling, or that you treat the children as commodities, but it's ok to say that you need more time to adapt. The children will too.

Pommy-- I think you're right. It just makes me SO ANGRY that he is so fixated on (whatever) that the children need to be dragged into this. His mom told me she thinks he has no idea how angry D10 is going to be at him. I know they're resilient and all the rest. It just burns me that they will be paying for his selfish decisions. And thanks for the reinforcement on the vacation. I'm feeling confident here and that it isn't my job anymore to take his feelings into consideration, and also that it isn't my job to get him on board with why I'm making certain decisions. Once we split, all that goes away.

Alison-- I think I'm pretty much in the same place I was the day we had that conversation I described-- 75% detached, 25% that traitorous hopeful side wondering if my doing XY or Z will weight him to choose the MR, even though intellectually I know that isn't a good idea, there is nothing that says to me he will magically become a good partner, etc. I like the less words and simply not engaging. That I can do.

Quick journaling-- if I examine myself and how I feel this week versus last week, I feel significantly better. Less anxiety. More anger. I talked to my friend and told her the physical manifestations had moved from the heavy pit in the stomach of fear and anxiety to the low burn of anger in my chest. She said I sounded a lot better, less emotion when talking about him. So, I do feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I want to continue to focus on myself and my boundaries, stop worrying about his motivations or behaviors or whatever, focus on the positives in the future for me on my own.

I went to the dentist yesterday and came home to H finishing his IC session. He gave me a sad look and said he wasn't OK, he had had a panic attack a half hour before his call and was freaking out, has never had a panic attack before, blah blah blah. I said, OK. Are you OK now? he said no. I said, I'm sorry. and then disengaged. Later he said he could tell that I really felt a lot better after my IC appointment yesterday and I confirmed. I said (maybe shouldn't have but I did) that it really helped me start to focus on myself, confirmed for me that boundaries are not threats. He said I don't even know what your boundaries are excepting not wanting to talk about AP. I said, things like not being friends, not playing happy family on a trip, etc. I'll make decisions in my own best interest and that of the children. He got super quiet and left the room.

I'm feeling better and better about the trip (July 25) being the end of this situation. The children and I are not going if the current situation persists. And, the fact that he's been looking at apartments makes me feel much better that we won't have some extended garbage of him living in the basement. I think he'll go, maybe after he gets back from his trip. (My friend said she'd help me pack up his stuff while he was away too.)

Scout, will work on your questions.