WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4)

[LH19]

Well one thing would be to establish some sort of grounds for co-parenting.?

What do you mean? Can you be more specific?

IMO the Co parent has to get a heads up at least 2 weeks in advance. ?

Heads up for what?

LH, you Co parent right? Not always a smooth ride I am assuming?

Yes. It's not that difficult for me because my kids are older. Also helps that my WW is a pretty decent mom. I let her know any pertinent info regarding kids but to not engage in any other talk. She's still kooky sometimes. Last week she ask me if she could go in my house into my filing cabinet and look for something. LOL. Yeah not going to happen.

[SteveLW]

Wow, quick answers. Thank you!
Well one thing would be to establish some sort of grounds for co-parenting.
IMO the Co parent has to get a heads up at least 2 weeks in advance.

I can't believe she doesn't understand normal social boundaries.
Part of me really never ever wants to talk to her again, so that co-parenting thing isn't getting closer atm.

LH, you Co parent right? Not always a smooth ride I am assuming?

So you expect that anytime she introduces someone new into D's life then she has to first get approval from you 2 weeks in advance?

Hmmm, I am not sure your expectations on that are justified. Unless there is child endangerment involved I do not think you have anyway of enforcing that. Plus this was over the phone. What boundary do you think was crossed here?

[Mumin]

Thanks again for all answers! Just "talking" to someone about this helps me cool down.
Steve you are right about boundaries. But since kids could see her alone in the car with a man, its not far off for them to be asking about him as a new BF. They are young, but kids understand so much.

Mrb you are right she is not worth wasting my time on. I don't need her.
If my kids get uneasy about something that she has done, that will effect me but I can't control her. Detach!!!

Anyway, to explain.
If we are going to have some sort of co-parenting, some ground rules will have to apply.
IMO if a newly divorced person is to introduce a new boyfriend (not anyone) to there kids I sure think 2 weeks notice is a fair "rule".
If something like that can't be respected or understood by her I will probably give up co-parenting and stop all communication eventually.
It will take too much energy from me in my new life. Better spend that energy on my kids during my time with them.
Other things to agree on could be about food, price level of sport equipment, holidays, etc
When they get older it will be how late they can stay out? Drinking before 18? etc

XW wanting too access your house and file cabinet LH. Lmao

[MrBrside]

If we are going to have some sort of co-parenting, some ground rules will have to apply.
IMO if a newly divorced person is to introduce a new boyfriend (not anyone) to there kids I sure think 2 weeks notice is a fair "rule".
If something like that can't be respected or understood by her I will probably give up co-parenting and stop all communication eventually.

I think you will find the WW will do as they see fit. R-read what sandy writes - Pure selfish attitude. - She will see rules as controlling, so you are probably going to get no where, other that encourage her to break your rules to prove a point. You cant control her, so why try - let her crash down in front of the children... They will see it eventually and make their own minds up. The focus is you being the better parent - Learn from her screw ups and be the rock.

[LH19]

IMO if a newly divorced person is to introduce a new boyfriend (not anyone) to there kids I sure think 2 weeks notice is a fair "rule".

Why? What will you do in that 2 weeks?

Must of the stuff you cross that bridge when you come to it.

[LH19]

Let her crash down in front of the children... They will see it eventually and make their own minds up. The focus is you being the better parent - Learn from her screw ups and be the rock.

This is so true and just happened to me last week. I got my kids back after 5 days away. I got home from the store and my daughter ran out to greet me. I could tell something was wrong. She asked for a hug and started crying. I ask what's wrong and she said "it's mom. She's miserable and yells at me all the time. She's just not the same person anymore." So I hugged her and validated her feelings and let her know that I am here for her whenever she needs me.

[Mumin]

Once again I guess you are all right.
I will think about this and discuss it with my IC. Need to get a new appoitment soon.

What you describe LH (mom making kids feel bad) is just as tough/big for me as the fact that she cheated.
Maybe co-parenting is a lost cause, we will see.
W's own parents couldnt even agree on if they both should come to her graduation from High school.
I dont want to end up there... But then agian I wont be stepped on or misstreated by her.

I will consider a boundary on FaceTime/video chat when OM is around.
OR I will simply never call again with video.

Why? What will you do in that 2 weeks?

I will prepare myself for talking to my child about their new step-dad.
Atm I dont think any of my kids even understand that concept. D3 sure doesnt know step-dads excist at all.

Man, if OM is going o be step-dad I might just break all contact and move to emails only. Thats at least how I feel now.

[Ginger1]

Huh? Prepare your child for a new step dad when they meet the guy she’s dating? Is she marrying them? I’m confused.

Anyone I’ve dated I’ve had the courtesy of alerting my ex that
Y D will be meeting them. He says “ok, cool, thanks” ( only 3
Guys in 12 years) and he married his affair partner. We do talk. We do Coparent.

You are speaking from a place of personal hurt, not from a place of wanting to coparent effectively

[SteveLW]

You are speaking from a place of personal hurt, not from a place of wanting to coparent effectively

This is what I was building up to.

While you don't like it there is nothing you can do about it.

[Mumin]

A gain very true! Thanks ginger.

However I still believe for young children it is very important and serious
IMHO a new father/mother figure (=someone who spends time with the kids and is around or lives in the childs home) should be introduce very slowly and with a huge amount of respect. I think in some cases the "new parent" is actually a bigger change/impact on their lives than their original parents breaking up.

Still might say something about this to her.
Or, just not use video.

So I understand:
Is it the opinion here that post D you don't say how you feel or think about things to the WAS? because that's the vibe I'm getting.
I see a lot of suggestions to move to email only. That sure indicates strictly formal communication.
It would mean I don't have to see or hear OM.