I have to say the above is really confusing to me....LH had said that I just need to eat my $hit sandwiches, so I thought that was what I should be doing.
I want to be clear about the context of what I said about the above. That was when it looked like the affair was over and he was going to recommit to the marriage and you had just yelled at him for 4 hours. Obviously things have taken a drastic change for the worst so no more sandwiches.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
Yes! I can do this, this I can do....I just worry that I am missing a window that if I don't kick him out, I will lose this marriage. At some point, kicking him out will not have the effect I want. I think its BIG effect the earlier on you do it...and lessens as you wait....then its just a drifting...and does not have the same shock value. What do you think?
One of the things that happens in DB is that sometimes we will say something in order to provoke a specific reaction. More often than not, we don't get the reaction we wanted, and then we feel even worse. That's just something to be aware of. If you're trying to provoke H to get expressions of guilt, remorse, fear or doubt, you'll often get the opposite and feel even worse.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
I want to understand the part about being soooo far from anyone that can even begin to work on all this....I mean I know this guy has issues, sex addiction, porn addiction, gambling addiction, steroid rage, all of that...but I would appreciate your input on your take of him.
This is why you should be separating! Not to get a reaction.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
And I feel like I should be doing something, and the path we are on is going nowhere, actually getting worse I can feel it. I just want to know, I really want to be told - what am I supposed to do now?
Given that you have to make things worse before they can possibly get better, separation may not be a bad choice, but I would advise pursuing a separation with the same rules you would have if you were divorced, which is to say that you don't continue to comingle your lives (aside from the kids) and you are free to live your own lives without social accountability to the other person.
That way he can really see if that way of life is better or worse for her. Prepare yourself that in the beginning he will view it as better, mainly because he'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that its what he wants. It may take six months or two years for reality to set in, but it certainly will.
My advice would be to lean in to agree to separate, and work productively with him on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make him wonder. You want him to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell him anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.
