I'm still reading the rest of the posts, but this:
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It is the shape of the marriage, the house, the children, the comfortable dance in the kitchen in the mornings and the bathroom at night. The person who you can still vent to and who listens and validates and tells you you were right and so-and-so is such a jerk to have said that to you. Who picks up your D when she comes out of her room for the fourth time and can't sleep and goes and lays down with her until she finally passes out. Who makes you a drink after work and says no, sit, I'll take care of the dishes or dinner or whatever. Pays the bills and congratulates you for doing something great and texts silly jokes to your mom.
There are literally billions of men on the planet who can do this! They won't be your kids' father, and they won't share your history, but any long-term relationship has all these elements. Not to mention the trust and respect and everything else you don't have with your current H.
Staying with H is a bad bet as he's already proven himself capable of terrible betrayal and deception. Another man COULD be capable, but your current husband IS. Statistically, the odds are better with someone new. Just something to keep in mind, I know you are not even thinking of dating or anything like that.
Your posts are all about H. What he said, what he thought, how he felt, what it means. So I would like to know more about May! I'm not particularly concerned about H's opinions or the context of the current dynamic. Not so you can play the victim, but to understand how your H has failed as a husband in ways other than the affair. I guarantee he was not the perfect husband before this started because a SSM doesn't exist in a vacuum.
This isn't an exercise in blame, because we all fail in many ways in relationships, but I want you to stop blaming yourself. So if you say "my H wasn't XYZ, but that's because I wasn't XYZ", I will give you a gentle tap with a 2x4
- What are the values you seek in a partner? - How do you want a partner to treat you in a marriage? - What unmet needs did you have in the marriage?
