Living with a WAS/MLC husband...who does not care

[BlueSea]

Oh dear. This was a lot. I read through both threads and I have so many thoughts and questions. I apologize if this post is all over the place. Mostly, I am glad to see you have so much support here and some great posters. Their advice is gold, even if it can feel harsh at times. Every person that comes here is only posting because they have been in a similar sitch and wants to help, even if our delivery is different. So I am thinking about what I can add and I am not sure what else I can say, but I will certainly try. I also apologize in advanced if I am direct or offensive. I have been known to swing some rusty, nail-studded, 2by4s!

Swing away Bluwave! I am so appreciate you read my thread(s) and are dropping advice to me! Though there was no 2x4's at all. Next time, if you would come back a next time, please feel free to knock me up the side of the head...I think I need that.

First random question. I see in thread one, you changed your handle to Bluesea, which does resemble Bluwave, so I am of course curious as to why? :-))) hmmmmm .... Are we sisters from another mister? lol.

LOL! I went by Bluexxxxx, where xxxx was my husbands pet name for me. And since I thought we use the DB counselors, he might figure out where this board was and easily find me by that nickname - but of course he would not take the time to do that! lol!

But seriously, that was a hard read. Maybe I say/think that about most of the sitches here, but ouch. Man oh man, the further out I get from my own BD, the more I am able to read these stories objectively. It is almost surreal what we go through. Of course I see some parallels in my own sitch, but I also see some differences. My H also had an A, became an alien, and blew up our lives, but the thing is, he wasn't an A-hole. My H was mostly guilty, self-pitied and a giant wuss, and he would hide from me. Can I call your H an A-hole? Because it certainly reads that way. He is a big aggressive bully! Man I wish I could kick this guy in the nutz. I know that doesn't help, but his behavior is so outrageous it is almost hard to wrap my head around.

YES! he is a big bully for sure - and my pet nickname for him is a@@hole. Mine also has alot of self pity, I think that goes along with the narcissism. He is quite the prize, you can see why I totally want him back, right? Kidding aside, I am glad you say that because there is so much gaslighting going on over here, I wasnt sure if it was me or him! I actually rented that b/w movie to understand what that 'gaslighting' term meant - and yes, I am married to a man that tries to get me to question my own reality at every turn for his own benefit.

I am so glad to read the advice from LH, Steve, May and really all of them. I agree with everything they are saying. I also know from experience how hard it is to apply when you are feeling so desperate, anxious, fearful and depressed. It is sooooo much easier said than done. Even Sandi's 37 rules. I remember reading those rules every single day. I also remember feeling like I kept failing at them and it felt impossible. So if you are feeling that way too, I want you to know that is okay. You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and you start over. Each morning you wake up and you just start over. All you can do is the best you can do. .... Have you read Alison's thread? She has come such a long, long way in this process. She is now turning this corner and it is AMAZING. She is feeling strong, confident and detached. She is moving forward with her head held high with or without her H. She went through some really hard times too. But, she kept on picking herself up and she is getting there. So I want you to really take that in .... We all need to find our own way and all of our outcomes will be different, but the same advice applies to us all ... most important for you to read ---

IT WILL NOT BE THIS WAY FOREVER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. I know right now you are spinning and terrified and in a state of shock, but I want you to understand that in time things will get better.

Thank you BluWave - the in time part is sooooo hard for me....I just want this pain to end. I am just physically so tired of it. Its there when I slip into bed, patiently waiting at the end of the bed for me to wake up. And when I do, its my best friend, from the moment my feet hit the ground until they are back up on the bed. Its endless - and it frazzles me to no end - its on my mind always. And when I thought that him getting rid of the OW, (did he?) that there would be some relief... there wasn't. He still is cold, uncaring, mean. And I feel like I should be doing something, and the path we are on is going nowhere, actually getting worse I can feel it. I just want to know, I really want to be told - what am I supposed to do now?


Speaking of Alison and her detachment, I recall you saying that part of the reason that I have struggled with piecing was due to the fact that I may have detached too much. I am not sure what I said, but that is not true. I think the word detachment (and most words we use here) can be confusing. Words and just words and we define them differently. I started to get to a place where I detached and did not allow him to have so much power over me and I also started to imagine a life without him. Naturally he could feel me slipping away. However when we started to reconcile our M, it was not my detachment that made it so hard, it was simply the process of trying to shovel through all this chit, learn to forgive him & trust him, to work on the M while we both had to work on our own stuff, and to fight off those constant triggers, and understand WHY this all happened in the first place, and try and continue to raise our kids and home on a daily, keep up a "normal" routine, fight off so much hurt/anger/resentment, and on and on, and it was just HARD. It takes two committed people to do that hard work. I think it is hard for anyone that makes it that far and even then it doesn't always work. Often we cling so tightly to the idea of getting our partner back, that we fail to see who they have actually become in this process. I am sorry but I do not see your H as a desirable partner. Not right now anyways! He is sooooo far from anyone that can even begin to work on all this.

Thank you for explaining detachment and how it related to your situation. Your right that the definition has alot to do with how one interprets that. If anything, I am jealous about how you were able to, and I so desperately want to be able to do that! I have to say the more mean things he does, that does help to detach...but he has an uncanny ability to know when to hug and throw a kiss in there to just keep me unbalanced.
Can I ask you about what you are saying about my H? I want to understand the part about being soooo far from anyone that can even begin to work on all this....I mean I know this guy has issues, sex addiction, porn addiction, gambling addiction, steroid rage, all of that...but I would appreciate your input on your take of him.

One of the major differences between your (and May's) sitch is that he is still there. So not only it it hard to follow the rules, GAL, detach, etc, but it is doubly hard to do that with him right there. When I discovered my H's A, I took a very hard line approach. After he moped and waffled around a bit I had to tell him firmly that if he was not going to 100% commit to our M and family then he needed to GTFO. And he did. I was shocked and devastated of course, but 6 years later, I can see now that it was the only way. He had to experience life without the cushion of his W, family and home. He also had to go out in the real world with this affair and let it fail on it's own. And fail it did! It usually does. You see, once you take away the mystery, fantasy and sheer drama of an active A -- and you stick these two dummies together in the real world -- they get to see each other for who they really are. My H realized pretty quickly he didn't even like her. He couldn't run from me and blame me because I wasn't there anymore. She was just an escape because he was too weak to deal with his real problems. He also missed his life. We had a nice life most days, even with our M issues.

So you and May have a different challenge of DBing with your H right there in your home. I honestly cannot even imagine how either of you do it. I think in both of your sitches it might benefit you to just let them go. In May's case, I think he needs to go out there and let his A fail. In your case, I do also worry about your safety -- emotionally and physically. He is really a mess, all over the map and he is not respecting you and caring for your well being. It is easy for us to put a label on that and call it abuse or whatever, but only you know what you have in front of you. In any relationship, there will be issues, but you should never feel afraid to be yourself. You always have the right to have your space, to say "no," and to not feel that you will be punished for your own imperfections. It is not healthy to live with that constant stress :-((( I was in a very bad relationship in my younger years, during/after HS, and I recall how uneasy I always felt. It took me time to get out of there, but looking back on that I can now see how unhealthy and toxic it was. I made a million excuses for him because it was too painful to see what it really was. But it was him. And that was his to own. It wasn't my fault and my H's A was not my fault either, even tho we did have a lot of issues and I was a cr-p wife. We all have to make that healthy detachment, together or apart. Codependency easily becomes toxic in any long term R if we don't work on it and keep healthy detachment.

This might be the hardest and most traumatizing experience of your life. I have been through some crazy things (most I have not shared here) but I still believe that my H's A and him leaving me for those 10 months was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I had constant anxiety, I couldnt eat, sleep or even think. There were so many days (most days) I did not think I would ever be okay. I thought about dying, not waking up. ODing, and a life of instability and misery. The darkest days of my life. I felt like I was broken and might never be okay. But there was this deep seeded, and almost invisible, little voice or light, that knew I would eventually be okay if I just kept trying and trying and gave it more time. I don't know if it was because I had to make it through for my kids or because I cognitively understood humans are resilient, but whatever it was it was in there. I know you have that too. If you cannot find it, then I am asking you to just trust me on this.

THIS BLUWAVE !! THIS ABOVE IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TERRIFIED OF!!!!!!!! I know he has to go, but I am struggling as it is, and I know if he goes - it might just be the end! And if not, then it would be just like you are saying for however many months he is gone...SHEER MISERY, and I am so sorry to say, that I am weak and don't want to be left out there all alone and having all that anxiety and not eating or sleeping (like it was at the first month of BD). That was sheer misery!!! And I can not just willingly jump into something that I know will eviscerate me entirely. Its just human nature to just hold on to what your brain thinks is safety. I know on the other side it will be okay, either way. I do trust you! But I just can't full on jump into the meat grinder right now.

IT WILL NOT BE THIS WAY FOREVER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. I know right now you are spinning and terrified and in a state of shock, but I want you to understand that in time things will get better.

If there is any advice I want to give you right now, it is just to wake up each day and just get through it. Think of your H like a jar of pickles and shove him to the back of the fridge -- he can sit back there for now. You wake up, you shower, you tend to those kids, you eat, sleep, you read, you walk, and you allow yourself some small moments of joy or laughter. You are going to mess up a ton and break the rules. F it! We all do. A man that is healthy and strong will love you for those F ups. He is not that man right now, so just leave him in the back of the fridge. This is enough for now. Can you do that? Can you just trust that each day and week and month this will get a little bit easier if you believe?

Yes! I can do this, this I can do....I just worry that I am missing a window that if I don't kick him out, I will lose this marriage. At some point, kicking him out will not have the effect I want. I think its BIG effect the earlier on you do it...and lessens as you wait....then its just a drifting...and does not have the same shock value. What do you think?

Should I tell him to GTFO?! Or let him sit in the back of the fridge?

Blu

Thank you Blu!!!