Doing my thing & keeping a smile

[may22]

Signs are an interesting thing. I'll tell you a really quick story-- my H was very religious his whole life. Up until a couple of years ago (no coincidence) he went to Mass every weekend, took the kids. I'm not religious at all-- we had to get all sorts of clearances to get married in the Church since I'm a non-baptized non-Christian-- and this has always been his thing. His parents are also vvvv religious. Now, he's stopped going unless absolutely necessary to keep D8 on her track for first communion/confirmation. I had thought it was because of moral discrepancies in behavior vs belief in many strongly religious people was his reason for not wanting to go. Maybe it is because he has a major sin on his conscience and feels badly taking communion when he knows he shouldn't. Who knows.

On Saturday, he told me he prayed to God to give him a sign of what to do. And Sunday morning my mom texted me to say that she's going to sell my grandmother's old house to the woman who has been renting it for the past two years. It is jointly owned between my brothers and me, and I've been trying to get my mom to sell it for awhile as I wanted to put the money away into the girls' 529 accounts-- that would be a wonderful legacy for my grandmother, for whom education was really, really important. But, my mom had trouble letting go. H always got annoyed about this whole situation. Anyway, my mom texts this to me, I show H, and we look up the estimated value of the house. I'd be getting a really significant amount of money. H says to me-- this is great. We can put it right into the girls' accounts and that will pay for X years of college. I said, I don't know that I'll be able to do that-- I might need the money for something else. He got quiet.

Later, he told me about praying for a sign, and that me getting that text and a good amount of the money I'd need to buy him out felt like the sign from God he was waiting for. I said, OK. Then he said, or this is what we need for us-- we could use the money to finish all the renovations on our house. I said nothing. Or, he said, we could secure the girls' college. I said nothing again. He was just swinging wildly, all over the place.

So... was this the sign he was waiting for? Was he ready for what it could say? Could it be interpreted either way? Is it just about how you choose to interpret it in that moment? I feel like it is an external nudge for you to examine where you are. Sometimes that is what it takes for your thoughts to crystallize... in that case, I feel like the sign can be meaningful as it illuminated what you were ready to know yourself, anyway. Other times, when you're not ready to see or hear that yet, it doesn't mean anything.

No answers for you, but I do think listening to yourself and not judging your response is important, the illusion of action and all that. I do like you connecting more with your friends and getting over the fear of sharing what is going on. You cannot live a stunted life because of the decisions your H has made.

xx M