No advice here. I just want to say from my perspective as one who did reconcile that I would not tolerate going to back to that Crazytown you were living in.
This b*tch, the AP, is a real piece of work. And so is he. They deserve each other. It seems as if he needs the crutch of putting you in place as an obstacle to his "true happiness" . I'd call him on that. I still think he would ultimately not go but do you want this anymore?
Newbie!! I have been thinking of you recently and wondering if you ever come back.... wondering what you would think *now*. Thanks for popping back in
Alison and Hope-- I've been trying to remember what my response exactly was when he said this to me. I was really, really angry but calm. I may have rolled my eyes slightly. I would say that to be completely honest with myself, in my immediate reaction 75% of me was shaking my head and could have spoken that truth. 25% of me had a little hope bubble pop up (think Joy popping up in the movie Inside Out) thinking oh! Maybe this is how I get my way after all! I shoved her down.
I think I shook my head and said, the kids will be fine. Then I went into a split proposal of when he could spend time with them every day after school and then take half the weekend. That I'd looked at rentals and finances and we could afford for him to have a separate place, that it was stupid for him to want to live in the basement to save money. That wouldn't be good for any of us. These were my truths in the moment, about how I saw the future. In that moment, the 75% part of me didn't really care what my telling him would make him think or do. The 25% hopeful part of me was thinking OK, I am showing him what S/D will really look like and maybe popping his fantasy bubble and confronting the reality of the situation will help him choose to stay. Does he need to live it to understand it? Or could it be like Scrooge's dreams in A Christmas Carol, enough to make him change?
I know I came off as cold and angry to him. I can't really recall him arguing with much of this. I think he went into his sad self-pity mode and went and laid down on the bed (and read the Shirley Glass book). I got an angry "I can't believe you did this on Father's Day" later on but mostly he moped around and felt sorry for himself. I didn't engage.
A few days later, once he had had time to think about all of this and position his arguments, the child care proposal turned into me controlling how we D, it wouldn't be good for the kids, they would need us to be friends, so don't I see how controlling the scenario of splitting up is just him again submitting to me blah blah blah? Why does everything have to be so black and white with me? I said, I wasn't trying to say this is how it would be. I simply made a proposal. I'm assuming we would discuss it. And we fell back into the same dynamic as before.
All that to say... maybe I could do that if it comes up again. I have used the "if that is what you need to tell yourself, OK. That's fine. Go. But I'm not going to make this decision for you" response to him a bunch of times when he's saying he can't choose to stay because (dumb reason A B or C). So far, I can't remember saying anything along those lines in terms of his choice to stay, except for asking me to agree that a particular reason (the house, the life, the children, the trip) aren't good enough reasons to stay, right? To which when I'm weak I've said I don't think those are bad reasons to start out with but you can't end there, and when I'm stronger have said I don't know. This is for you to figure out. Not me.
Part of me feels like telling him that truth in the moment is still doing some of the emotional labor for him and I just don't want to say anything to him at this point that could be twisted into telling him what he should think or do, or what I think is going on in his head. Maybe I can get to that place and see how it goes... but for now I think trying to stay consistent for a bit on simply not engaging in these discussions and holding my boundaries might be the best I can do.
That being said-- thank you for suggesting it, Alison. I will keep it in mind for sure and work towards being there.
I'll share another thing-- for a long time, we've had a difference of opinion on what the next major house expense should be. He has wanted to fix the leaky basement (which makes most practical sense) but I've wanted a privacy fence along one side of the house. This is also somewhat of a prerequisite to getting a dog, which H really doesn't want (but knows I'll get when he goes, and may get regardless). Back in February when he decided to stay, we decided together that fixing the basement was the next most important thing and have been talking about it loosely, but not made any moves. I had some lingering sadness about my fence and my dog. Last weekend I said I really want to do this fence (I was looking at puppies online). And H said... we should do it. This is something you want. I said OK and called a couple of companies and one of them came out to do an estimate today. Usually, he would be the one doing these things but I handled it myself. Anyway. It feels good to be doing something big that I want for myself. I don't know what H's motivation is in this--manipulation, guilt, whatever-- but I don't really care. I am just happy to be moving forward with this thing I've wanted to do for a couple of years.
Last edited by job; 07/04/2011:40 AM. Reason: edited language
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
