Which leads me to this question: What does compassion for one’s (MLC) spouse look like, on a day-to-day, concrete basis? I am curious what it looks like when you are living with this spouse and just in general. Here or on my thread, I would love to hear examples from others.
Although, I do not have a live-in spouse I will give my views on some general ideas and ideals.
When considering compassion, words like nice, kind, cordial, friendly, etc. spring to mind rather quickly. One of the nicest things you can do for someone you love is to let them go. The expression “If you love something set it free”, is quite true.
It takes a bit to let go. To find your way to let go.
As for examples I’ve found a few things worked rather well for me.
Firstly realize what you are working towards. A compassionate view and life sees your spouse clearly and objectively. Doesn’t judge. And works towards forgiveness and acceptance. Craft those ideals and beliefs.
Wait for a time before reacting emotionally. At first, the 24 or 48 hour “rule” is to allow for detachment and for us to calm down and converse more from our intellect than our emotional side. As time progresses we gain control over ourselves and our emotions. Keeping our conversations kind and cordial works directly to that compassionate view we seek.
Seeing the person beyond their behaviour. How they act reflects upon them. How we act reflects upon us. Treat the MLCer’s behaviour as need. Boundaries when needed, ignoring when needed, realizing they lash out and are emotionally driven. Treat the crisis person with compassion and respect. They are making some bad choices due to overwhelming internal pressures and pain. Respect their choice; you need not agree with it (obviously). That respecting of someone leads understanding of their choices and to compassion for them.
Ignore them. Be indifferent. Focus upon your life. If one cannot emotionally step back from the MLCer, from their spouse, they will get dragged along. Whatever loving feelings the LBS has will be destroyed, eaten by the acid of the MLCer’s projections and justifications. Indifference gives you the perspective and objectivity to see and understand clearly. And if you understand someone, compassion usually follows. We, LBS, aren’t made of stone after all.
Physical actions influence our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Behaving compassionately will affect you and influence you. Some concrete actions: close the cupboard door gently, be considerate when driving (let that goof that waited until the last minute with no signal into your lane. I may have to work on that one. Lol), be authentic, step back when emotionally hijacked, say sorry (when you should), smile, help others, realize you just might make someone’s day with the smallest of your actions or words, make someone’s day, be compassionate to yourself (it all starts within), reward good behaviour and ignore poor behaviour, don’t sweat the small stuff, invite your live-in spouse along even if you suspect they won’t come, be a kind roommate, be respectful, stand up for yourself, be consistent, let go the outcome and be kind because it is for you. Live it.
Recently my D18 graduated high school. I hosted the grad pictures in my yard; the individual families and the group. XW was here, in my yard. In her “old” yard, amongst all her memories. I cannot say “I was indifferent and felt nothing”. No, that’s not it. I felt compassion for the woman. I was not hurt, or vengeful, or angry. It was a happy day which XW happened to be a part of. Yes, I do still love the woman, the mother of my children.
Realizing the path these lost souls are walking. How can one not be compassionate? It’s just not to let compassion be too unrestrained I find is key to letting go. Like all things, it’s a balance.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I may have to work on that one. Lol), be authentic, step back when emotionally hijacked, say sorry (when you should), smile, help others, realize you just might make someone’s day with the smallest of your actions or words, make someone’s day, be compassionate to yourself (it all starts within), reward good behaviour and ignore poor behaviour, don’t sweat the small stuff, invite your live-in spouse along even if you suspect they won’t come, be a kind roommate, be respectful, stand up for yourself, be consistent, let go the outcome and be kind because it is for you. Live it.