update. There is OW. Will get into it in a little bit.
I am not religious. But lately I've been seeing signs. Or have I chosen to see them? Many times when life presented me with something, I'd receive it and ponder. What does this mean? Why this, why now?
This morning I was thinking about my friendships. There is only one couple here in town that we hang out with as families regularly (pre-covid). Since our sitch happened, I've been avoiding her a little bit so I wouldn't get into a difficult situation of having to talk about H...making plans to hang out together etc. Our Hs work together also, so if she finds out then possibly the whole work place will know.
And there are other close friends whom I see regularly, but I just haven't divulged my situation to them yet. I know my biggest fear is not wanting the kids to be affected by gossip in case there is any. Although I trust these friends, I also believe that if you don't want a secret to get out, you simple don't tell ANYBODY. Another tiny part of not wanting to tell anyone is what vets have said - it will make it harder for the WAS to come back, because there would be more shame to overcome.
So I was thinking this morning, regarding my friend (the couple) - I value our friendship and I'd hate for it to let it die because I am afraid of what might happen. What am I protecting exactly? What am I losing out on? I want to live an authentic life. In my gut I know that I would like to do something to change the scenario. But how? when? I don't know. I just know I feel like I am bit ready to let things carry out on their own....his actions have consequences...and I shall no longer be the keeper of it all.
Later today, I ran into another good friend of mine. We started talking and she asked if H went on a recent trip I posted on FB with us, because she didn't see H in the pictures. Previously when H related Qs came up, I would brush it off or change the topic quickly. But today I did not. I paused for a second, and told her that H and I are separated. I filled her in a little bit. Then she told me that few weeks ago she saw H in the grocery store with a woman. She didn't say hi to him. It was during the day on a work day. I thanked her for letting me know.
I have imagined this scenario quite a few times in preparation. All the vets warned - there is always an OW. I didn't have the evidence, but I assumed to be so anyway. Even so, to hear the news of H with OW still stung a little. I could feel the anger and the betrayal once again. And most importantly the need for action - "what do I do now? Shouldn't I DO something with this anger and betrayal?" I asked myself.
But emotions settled rather quickly for me. Is this the illusion of action? What has changed in my sitch? nothing really. I have braced myself for OW already. I know what he's doing, it's textbook WAS/MLC stuff. running...running...running. And I've been nice to him, I even visited his parents. He must feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame right now. No wonder every time he comes over to see the kids it's like he always had to dash in and out. (sorry mind-reading here, I know).
It's my middle S's birthday today. H came over to say happy birthday and dropped off a present. And of course he totally overcompensated his absence by buying a very expensive one....at the same time trying to convince me that it was a right purchase. Well, he still did not look good. I just know that he is still off. But I surprised myself that I did not carry anger or resentment when we interacted.
So what now? For awhile I thought that the day I find out about OW will be the end of it. I will file for D. On one hand I scoff at the memory of him months ago saying "I don't want you using our[or did he say my?] money to date other guys!" when he wanted to separate the finances. Now he's using our money to date? ugh. and on the other hand this is all so ridiculous and predictable that I'm don't even feel like it's propelling me to file for D.
Why isn't it though? Am I waiting for A to burn out? Or am I just a big procrastinator when it comes to taking legal action?
so to go back to my first point.... is God showing me a path out?
