KC, once you get over the hump about caring about getting him back you will find such strength in yourself. It feels so good to GENUINELY know that you don't deserve what he has been plating out (cheating, lying) and at the end of the day it doesn't matter how good or bad of a wife you were, those things he did are uncalled for and unacceptable. PLEASE talk to an IC to help you get over this hump. You need someone to help you get past this point. No one here wants to see you stuck in this circle, I have a friend who is ahead of me in the whole D journey and she reality checks me sometimes and holds me accountable and we are trying to do the same thing for your virtually.
Block him completely and find a therapist. You are holding yourself back and I'm sorry but your H does NOT deserve you running through the wringer over and over again. He has good qualities yes but he has some bad qualities too and its not fair that you are killing yourself trying to fix everything and he doesn't have to fix himself.
I promise you that when you finally push yourself over this spot you are hung up on, you'll look back and feel like you were crazy to think that way in the first place.
I'm saying all this with care. It hurts to be the one left behind so I care about the rest of us in this same boat, we are all trying to pull you along with us. Time to move forward KC. And you need a third person (IC) to help you get there because reading your self help books is just making you focus more instead of detaching. You need to put your self analysis on the back burner until you stop worrying about him.
