Thank you May. I am glad I am here too. This is a little secret place for me, that I use more like a diary really - but I know I get such a lot out of reflecting on things and seeing other people do the same.
I've had a nice couple of days in my house. H is being calm and reasonable and co-operative and we've had rational conversations about a couple of 'hot button' issues that needed sorting out. Not R-talks - I don't care to have anything like that with him right now - but just domestic and child rearing co-operation type stuff. Remember a while ago I asked him if we could get our diaries out and compare working schedules so I knew which evenings were free and which were not free for my GAL? And he went off on a rant about how it wasn't his fault I didn't know his shift pattern, or something like that? The usual spew? When I asked him for the same thing last night, I was a bit wary - and prepared to just cut the ranting off at the knees. I had a phrase prepared, 'I am asking you for information so we can co-parent and I can make sure we both get time with the kids and on our own. If you don't give me that information, I will go ahead and do what I think is best and you can fit in with me. You can choose, but ranting at me is not an option.' But actually, he was very cordial and fine and we sorted it out no problems (his work is not flexible and mine is, so it isn't unreasonable at all for me to know when he is working late or antisocial hours, so I can plan around him) and I could tell by the way he was acting that he remembered our previous interaction on this matter. So that's a good thing.
We also had a board games night with the kids - and Eldest joined in and it was lovely to see him relaxed and laughing and him and his father sharing a joke. I don't pretend I had anything to do with influencing that (perhaps me getting out from between them and letting them be as childish as they like together, without triangulating on me helped a bit?) but it was just really nice and made me realise we hadn't had fun together as a family like that for a long time. I have had nice times with H, and I know he spends good times with Youngest and is a good dad to him. And I have nice times with both my kids. But when we're all together the dynamic very often goes wrong somehow - I don't know what my part in that is yet (perhaps an anxiety about conflict happening has made me controlling which has irritated H and Eldest - that could be a bit of it - and I don't feel that anxiety about conflict now) but I just really enjoyed it.
I don't get the sense that H is on best behaviour to try and manipulate something out of me - I am not sulking or giving hi the silent treatment or being cold or unfriendly - and he knows I am investigating my financial options but I've said I have no wish to kick him out of the house or take him to the cleaners or anything like that. Today that contempt I was feeling for him has gone - I just think, 'here is someone I used to love deeply, and for the time being I have to live with him. I see he has many good qualities and many bad ones, and I am not going to engage with or take responsibility for any of his bad qualities at all, and I am going to live my life and not try to manage or control our relationship so it is safe for me, but accept what is there and protect myself from the stuff I don't want' and that feels more or less okay today.
There's a lot of tension gone out of me and the house generally.
