Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting H back will restore these things, but it won't.

This resonates. A lot.

So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?

For me-- I want a committed, loving partner and friend. H is not that today and may never be that again. For my Ds, I want them to have the best of everything, and to me, that is still a 2-parent household. if that isn't possible, I want to give them what I can control-- a loving, happy mom and home.

I *wanted* so so much to embark on this new consulting career for so many reasons, which I don't think I can do with the uncertainties of D. So that is hard for me to give up, but I know giving it up now doesn't mean forever. I also very very much want to look back at this time and feel no regrets in/re my children, that I did everything I could to work on the M for them. I think that is why I simply am not ready to be the one to make the call to end it, as tempting as it is.

I had a really, really good conversation with my IC this afternoon. We talked about all kinds of things that many of you have brought up here-- what am I getting out of these conversations with H, where my boundaries are, why I can't hold them up. The anger. She brought up emotional labor and said it very much feels like I'm doing this for him and I need to stop. That I'm taking in all his distress and my compassion is letting him off the hook for taking ownership of his own actions. That the anger is a good thing in that it may help stop me from doing his work for him. And she says OK to let it out to him in small doses to push back on him trying to lay all the responsibilities for where we are at my feet.

Scout, all your suggestions around healthy release of the anger are gold. She said if I'm feeling the anger as a physical sensation, that isn't healthy for me to internalize it and I need to let it out.

Sage, I'm copying your suggestions onto my phone to look at them all day long. I think taking my focus off of him and back onto me and the girls is the most important thing I can do. After the session with the IC, the anger has abated somewhat and I feel more centered.

Here are some positive things about today:

-- I was able to get some work done that I've been putting off for awhile.
-- I spent some time in self-care mode
-- IC conversation was terrific
-- no R talks for the past 48 hours (one mini exception which I'll mention in a moment)
-- H being respectful and kind, letting me do my thing
-- girls being fun and funny and cuddly and I love them more than anything
-- MIL bought me a kindle novel that I think will be totally escapist and am totally looking forward to reading
-- made plans with friends for the weekend, H welcome to come but I left him off the planning text thread
-- I know H is looking at apartments on craigslist.

In the IC talk, she said it felt like H filled up the space and even when I was talking about the possible future and what my boundaries were there, that it was still about him. What did I want for ME? (You guys should all be therapists, BTW.) I think I've mentioned before that H had this multi-state month-long trip planned for the summer that we had to cancel and he is really, really bummed about it. Before this last BD we talked about alternatives, staying closer to home, all the great things we could experience without all the tourists and that this is kind of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here. A week or so ago he told me he had booked a campervan to do four weeks locally, which I thought was a good idea (will get him out if nothing else!!). Of course he wants to take the girls. Of course I won't be OK with that if we are S. He continually interprets that as a threat to the extent I simply don't even mention it anymore.

Today, I was thinking about it and thought... there's a boundary that I truly feel and can enforce. I'm not OK going on a trip and playing happy family with H if he hasn't definitively ended things with AP. I don't want to worry that he's off texting her when we are on a trip together. So that can be a good deadline for me and something I'm willing to enforce. And then he's gone for four weeks and that gives me space and he can MO when he gets back. But I wasn't sure when he'd booked the campervan so I asked him when the dates were, he told me, asked me why, I said no reason. he pushed a little and I said I really don't want to talk about it but I do want to say that I don't want to play happy family on this trip if you're still in contact with her. He said, I know that would be weird. And she would feel weird about it too. I said, I don't want to talk about it. he said, aren't you worried I'll decide to stay for the wrong reasons? I said yes. He said I think the moral decision is to stay. But I'm worried it isn't the best long-term choice for either of us. I said nothing. He said what if I'm still ambivalent? What then? I said, you make your decisions and I'll make mine. I don't want to talk about it. And walked away.

I still was a little worried about why I didn't want H to take the kids on this trip, really at all. Was I being petty and mean? Was I just trying to threaten him into staying? But after the IC talk, she really made me feel confident that this is simply a boundary of mine. That it isn't good for the kids if we are Sing to not have a regular routine and being just with dad for a long period of time. Also, selfishly, for me I have never really wanted to spend serious time away from them. I've only done it as a compromise because I gave a $hit what he thinks and I won't anymore. They're only little once and only will want to hang out with me for a few more years, so I want to savor every moment of this that I can. the IC totally supported this and made me feel so much better about it. It isn't a threat, it is a boundary. And there are consequences to having an affair. This is one. Not having both your wife and your lover in your life equally is another. Not living in the basement while carrying on an R with another person. He has to start facing these and he won't as long as I'm enabling him to avoid it. (YOU GUYS! As I typed this I'm realizing you have said this to me over and over. It is finally sinking in.)

So I feel so much more confident and strong about my boundaries than I have to date.

Also, BluWave posted some fabulous stuff on BlueWave's thread that I'm taking to heart too... I'm pushing H to the back of the fridge like an old jar of pickles. This week it will be about me.