Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

Thanks for the update-- it is so good to hear how you are doing!

I understand your uneasiness. Just a couple of random thoughts:

I guess it’s the magnitude of the next step ...all or nothing, no going back, etc.

Don't necessarily think of it like this-- it is a step in your journey. Of course you want to be 110% solid if you let him back not just because of your own mental health but for your children too. I totally get this. But it isn't necessarily the point of no return forever.

With your mom... I think it is huge that you are able to see that dynamic between the two of you and be able to stand up for yourself and your H in this context. It is really, really hard to do that with your mom. I have a much less developed version of that with my own mom, who is relatively controlling and has a hard time seeing things from other people's shoes. When she flips out she flips out big time. But nothing I can do can change her, and I've come to accept that and disengage when she tries to mow over my boundaries. I remember reading in Gottman (I think it was Gottman) that the couple needs to be there for each other, even when in-laws try to interfere. This made me think a lot about both my own R with my mom and my R with my MIL, and how damaging to the R it can be to feel like your spouse is siding with their mom over you. I'm glad you are seeing all this and setting and enforcing boundaries.

On the EAP situation... Pommy of course this is my own situation speaking so please ignore it if it isn't helpful. But hearing him say the exact same thing my own H did about nothing being shocking gives me the creepy crawlies. Also, my H said he would let me know if she reached out and then... he didn't and then calls her when she texts that she's had major trauma in her life. I think my H is in waaaaaaay deeper with his AP than yours ever was with his, but I think there is still that whole fantasy other life element that is just so attractive to them somehow. It was so compelling to your H (even if not really attached directly to the EAP by the time this came around) that he took the big step of MO of your house.

Things will be hard when you get into piecing. And if he happens to be down or sitting in the discomfort of examining his own issues and shortcomings right as she reaches out, are you sure he will have the willpower to turn away? Or will he just check back in to see how she's doing, make sure she's OK, etc... and then what? I just feel like every single book on this subject says that the ONLY way to get past this is 100% cold hard NC, blocking on phones and social. You not doubting for one minute she will be back in touch... I think you have to deal with that worry decisively before you feel OK about inviting him back.

And I would also just say to listen to yourself. Remember how Alison worried she let her H come back home too early? Maybe re-read her thread and Blu's about that decision point if that is helpful. Listen to your own intuition. I'm going to guess that the anxiety about taking that step of allowing him back will never totally go away, but maybe there needs to be a bit more of a solid plan to convince you that things will be different this time, that the EAP is gone forever, that he's committed to doing the hard work before you can feel OK with taking that step? What about a single visit to an MC to help you guys sort out a plan?

You're in such good shape, Pommy. You've got this.