Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

May, Sage thank you for your thoughts.

I went away for 5 days last week with the girls ( to see my parents). H was very attentive and sent lots of messages and called frequently. The messages meant a lot, as did the welcome home. My mother is a toxic influence and always has been, and has never hesitated to show her disdain for H. This is her issue...she treats my father the same. Until I started IC 12 months ago, I was never able to stand up to her, preferring to avoid the confrontation. So I stood back and allowed her to belittle, condemn, criticise and make H feel worthless, just like she does her own H. Last year I felt so much hatred towards her for the fact that my marriage had failed whilst hers was still intact. Not just because of her treatment of H but because of how I grew up thinking that was how to behave in a marriage. I have made so much progress in standing up to her in the last year. She will readily play the victim when the spotlight shines on her. She is manipulative and controlling and right now she is telling the children that it will be wrong for me let H move back home. I can see this for everything that it is. I really dislike her and I’m angry at how she still tries to control me (such as begging me not to let H come away with me and the girls for a family trip next week, or telling me that I shouldn’t let the children see H during lockdown in case he gives them the virus) and feeding the children with doubts about recon.

I know the old me would have done what I could to appease her, but I feel so much stronger in myself in being able to set boundaries and knowing what I will accept and not accept. I have learnt a lot in 12 months.

So H and I have had a nice few days but today I felt completely flat. I had bad dreams last week Sage, where H told me he’d changed his mind again and I asked if it was because of Her and he said no, but then I found a load of texts on his phone in my dream. This is a replay of what has happened in reality So I explained to H that I was having bad dreams and he did his best to reassure me. H said I seemed distant today and I told him that I am struggling to let go of some of the things from December. I had been thinking about May”s situation around disclosure (masking the truth) and WF‘s comments about her H not having protected himself from the possibility for OW to make contact. So I asked H tonight about it. He said he hadn’t told me verbatim everything between them but there was nothing that would shock me (May!!!!!!!) that I didn’t know already. I asked how he was going to protect himself from that scenario... if EAP reached out and said she missed his company/was having a tough time with her own H/needed advice etc. I know that H is too nice to ignore or not respond. And he said he would just exchange pleasantries but not invite further interaction, not let it become a situation where they shared jokes etc. And that he would tell me if she contacted him. He said previously he encouraged the situation and now he wouldn’t encourage it. For some reason I don’t doubt for one minute that she will be in touch, once she knows he’s spending time back home (and she will know, because they have some mutual friends, and she is controlling and manipulative). I’m not sure how I feel about this response from H. I guess I fear that we get back into a boring routine and she reaches out wanting contact and so it begins again.

It all still feels a bit weird. I haven’t invited H back home and he said my demeanour today was making him feel anxious ( hello, welcome to the world of anxiety!!) . I think the pressure from my mum and the bad dreams are making me feel uneasy. I also feel that once he moves back in we’ll revert to the old dynamic, whereas at the moment we’re still separated and I’m in control of the R . That’s not to say I want to control him or the M but living apart stops an immediate return to the old dynamic. We have been more intimate and it’s felt natural but today I have these doubts that I’m not all those things he said he wanted (which in some ways I don’t care about...I’m me and he either accepts it or he doesn’t) but in other ways I think that he made it clear he didn’t accept it last year so I’m on a road to failure and setting myself up for a fall.

H always told me I’m an over thinker, and tbh, it’s been over 4 weeks since he said he wanted to come home and I’ve avoided the overthinking ,and it’s been fun and relaxed. I guess it’s the magnitude of the next step ...all or nothing, no going back, etc. I’ve wanted nothing more for the last year than to save my M but now it’s on a plate I’m like eeeeeek!!!