Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

I feel so much gratitude to all of you right now, Alison, Scout, Cardinal, Sage, LH.

I need to sit with some of this advice and really embrace it so don't want to fire off too quickly, but want to say that Alison, this post on anger is really powerful for me. I'm really uncomfortable sitting in this anger but I think I need to feel it and understand it and let it flow through me, and get to a place where I can really ask these questions of myself. I have an IC appointment this afternoon and maybe we can spend some time here. She wanted to last week anyway. I couldn't really sleep last night and have a low burn in my chest. I feel it physically, the anger. I think I'm a little afraid of it. I think if I unleash that bear there is no getting her back. And at this point what she wants to do is tear him limb from limb and once she's finished there she'll turn her great angry eyes on what is next to feed her insatiable hunger. Like taking the lid off of Pandora's box.

Now I know this is still me spending time on him and not on me. But when I got angry last week, he said he was going to have to choose to stay in the M because if I was going to be this angry there was no way he could S from me and do this to the kids. I see what you're saying, Alison, about that then being him staying out of fear of my anger and not because he wants to be here. But an ugly part of me wants that, wants him to suffer, wants him to lose the "love of his life" and suffer the endless consequences of his terrible carelessness and selfishness. I can't stand the idea of him riding off into the sunset with this person. I feel like a bad person even typing that out here. But I worry that a part of me is sticking around out of pure petty spite and suppressed anger. Maybe it is about freeing that anger to transform into something else-- which is what I think you're saying in your post-- harnessing the energy into something positive and using it to fill yourself rather than hammering on the barbed wire fence of trying to change someone else and that great beautiful bear getting bloodied and exhausted and emaciated in the process. I clearly have so much more work to do here.

I'll post more later. Just trying to figure out how to appropriately harness my angry bear.