Hey KC. I think at this point it's safe to say you've heard our message to you loud and clear. Yet you continue to defy the message and act on your feelings and emotions, your sense that you can "nice" him back, even though it hasn't worked for you at all and in fact just keeps driving him farther into OW's arms. I'm not going to sit here and repeat the same things I and others have already said dozens of times, the fact that you are defying the advice isn't because you haven't heard or understood it, it's something else. And that "something else" is what you need to get to the root of.
You do come off here as defiant and headstrong (I mean you are very sweet, kind and loyal too, but we're trying to target what the issue is here) and maybe those characteristics drove your H away, and if so then think about how you can change that. Let's get back to your H's message:
Quote
H: I am a rebllious person always setting rules and limitations causes resentment. Living in fear is no life worth living. I knew this wasn't healthy a while ago. I tried to live in a lifestyle that you wanted and I felt pinned, restricted, regulated. I wants things yes who doesn't but I want to enjoy things that I enjoy the ways I enjoy them. No rules, no ultimatums, no restrictions. We argued constantly because I wasn't heard to listened to. I wasn't using my knowledge and my gifts, instead I have to push myself away from what I know what I can do. I failed to see that earlier I showed no respect for myself in that I could not respet anyone else
There are some pretty strong words there, such as "fear". I believe your H is being honest with you, he's not trying to manipulate you. He's trying to tell you what he saw as your faults in the M because you have asked over and over again.I think he's hoping this will put it to rest once and for all. The WORST thing you can do from this point on is ask him again, because HE ALREADY TOLD YOU and if you ask again then that is a CLEAR indication to him that you don't listen. And that's kind of the same impression I think many of us here get too. We talk and talk and talk to you and you ignore it all, leaving the impression that you aren't listening or understanding, so people explain the same things to you again and you continue not to put it into action. I think you do listen because you can repeat it back at will, but there's some synapse that isn't firing properly and you're not able to actually follow the advice, at least not for more than a few hours before you revert back to your old ways.
Regarding the funds, we've gone over this before but your L has made it clear to you that they are NOT "his" funds. Sure he may have had some money before the M in a certain account, but there is much more to it than that. You've got to sort out who owes who what on EVERYTHING you own and that pool of money is the "equalizer" that the settlement will be paid out of. Let me give you a simplified example:
I have an account with 50k in it when I get married. We buy a house together and pay it off. It is now worth 100k. I choose to stay in the home after my spouse moves out. It's split evenly, so I now owe her 50k.
So you understand, in this scenario, that 50k I previously had in an account is now HER money, not MINE. THIS is what your lawyer is trying to tell you, the funds need to be locked up until everything is settled. You are not holding "his" money hostage. If he wants the funds then ALL financial matters need to be settled, whether you do that as part of a D or as a separate agreement. If he doesn't understand this, then explain it to him one time and then let it go.
