I too loved Alison's post on anger. That anger bear is a visceral image. Utilizing the power of anger to fuel YOU and your best self. I am hanging on every word of advice given on your thread.
I am going to update on my own not-so-great-outcome situation in a bit, but I am sitting with some thoughts, advice and truths right now that might also be helpful to you in your situation (some of this is redundant, you already know it all, but sometimes it's helpful for reminders):
1. At this point, all the energy you spend thinking about H, his motives, his thoughts, his perceptions, his decision-making, his wants/needs/desires and his future are all a waste of your precious mental energy. The only person you can understand and deeply dig into is yourself. Save that energy for yourself, and if that feels too indulgent right now, save it for the girls.
2. Having said that, if it is cathartic to write/journal all the things you want to say to H, to get it all out, then do so and move on until the next bout of spinning. Repeat, rinse.
3. Hindsight is 20/20, but I know I am not alone in wishing I had listened to my H when he first started saying his truths to me. That I would have taken him at his word and moved one much faster than I did. I spent so much time trying to fix the situation, give him time to change his mind or find a different alternative. I feel like I wasted a part of my life that I cannot get back. I will use those lessons to pave my path to my best-self, so it is not all for nought, but I am dedicated to not wasting my time any longer. I want to find joy and laughter and the amazing moments with my children again. He is not worth my time. DETACH.
4. Stay above the trees. This is an extension of everything above, but being in the forest was so confusing for me ('he's back!' and then 'he's gone' and 'he doesn't know what he wants so there is still hope!' were all exercises in futility. I wish I stayed at least at the 30,000' view and was able to see the matrix of the forest as a whole and not focus on the individual trees. There are too many d**m trees.
5. Self care won't fix things in this moment. But it will strengthen you for the long haul. I have always struggled with prioritizing self-care, so there are moments when it feels forced, or I don't find enough joy or catharsis in it. But I know it will help pull me out of this in the future.
6. Have compassion for yourself. Deep compassion. Love that little hopeful girl inside of you that has fought so hard for the outcome she wanted. Treat her disappointment in the same way you would your daughter's disappointment.
7. Your feelings WILL change. What you feel now will not last forever. Every single one of us has had a huge shift in our feelings, including you, from the beginning of your story to now. Trust that, even though it is hard.
8. Recognize that you are in a state of trauma and pull out all the stops to acknowledge and heal that trauma, whether psycho-pharmacologically, therapeutically, nutritionally and physically. A IC friend of mine recommended EMDR. I am giving myself the grace I would a person with PTSD.
You are adored and worthy of great things. And you will get them in your life, whether your H is by your side or not.
