I know what the sadness is and I know where it stems from.. Without wanting to romanticise it, I feel like one of those people that always has a sadness in their eyes, even when they're laughing. It is always present and stops me from living my life fully. This round of dating was very different from the round I did last year. Last year it was very much about distractions and physical attraction. This time I was clear (even in my dating profile) that I wanted someone with whom I could build a lasting connection. I even said not to message me if they were looking for something casual. So, when I finally found someone who ticked all those boxes, I was disappointed in the lack of 'spark'. He wore dad jeans and tucked his t-shirts in. He talked about work. The only time I felt engaged was when he discussed his ex-wife and why he left her ('she was complicated' apparently) and the impact on his children.
Yes, the house is a trigger. More so now that selling it is a real and tangible thing. He glances around when he enters, the ever critical eye. But he doesn't fit here anymore. He looks out of place. Not a part of this world. Much like I have always felt those rare times I am in his flat (which is why I avoid it). I remember him saying about a year ago "I can't find ANYTHING in this house !!!" as he madly rummaged through the drawers for a screwdriver. He doesn't rummage anymore. He asks, and when he does I sense the sadness in his voice.
He had the children yesterday and he brought them around in the afternoon (as he always does when he has them). He started sorting through the garage - we have hired a skip as he had done a lot of work in the garden during lock down. That's what he does now. He brings the children round and then finds something to do outside while they visit. When there is nothing to do, he waits on the stairs or in the den. The most conversation we will have will consist of "Hello" and "Goodbye". Like I said, he doesn't fit anymore. It reminds me of when on rare occasions I pick up the children from his flat and stand by the door or sit on the edge of the sofa. I didn't belong there. Now he doesn't belong here.
With each passing day I feel less and less connected to the house. When we first moved here I invested heavily in it. It was twice as large as our previous home, so, up until he moved out, I spent all my spare money and my time filling up the space. That's not to say he didn't contribute. He painted walls, he tidied gardens, he cut back trees. He started to detach from the 'house' about 6 months before BD. He maintained the house, but looking back, he stopped seeing a future here. Instead, he spent his money buying new clothes, an expensive car and going away on holidays with his mates (he had 2 x week long stag do's and a week long catch up with his mate who lives overseas). I suspect I resented him for this at the time, and that probably came through in my interactions with him.
Even after he moved out I continued to invest. Maybe not to the extent that I did before he moved out, but I redid the children's bedrooms (dismantled old furniture, did all the painting and put together the new furniture - he said what's the point, and sat on the sofa watching me) and I bought little things to put around the house to replace where his photos had been. I paid for the garden to be done (decking) and bought new garden furniture. In my head, the children and I still had to live here so, even though he was gone, I still wanted it nice for the children. But, somehow, in the last six months, my mindset has changed. I don't want to invest in it anymore. It feels more like I'm renting now. So I maintain the house, as opposed to 'live in a home'.
I guess he feels this. Each day I get rid of more stuff. I talk about getting the outside cleaned professionally and little bits of work that needs doing. Not in a horrible "these are the consequences of your actions" kind of way, but more matter of fact.
Anyway, that was a long response to the 'triggering' nature of the house. My lack of perceived emotion about it all really doesn't help. The few times we have had a non-general conversation he will bring up that I am "emote". After two and a half years, I don't know what he expects to see. We are getting a D, we are selling the house. Those are the facts - even though he only ever bring these things up in a burst of anger followed by storming out. He still likes to throw bombs. And then gets p!ssed when they don't explode.
Yes, D13. Slow and steady. I imagine if I'd maintained that course during the months post BD I would be in a different place. Too late now. But I have a chance with D13.
