I feel really good today. Like myself for the first time in a really long time honestly I think since even before BD. I think I may have lost track of who that was for awhile in my marriage. While I tried to balance what it meant to be a good spouse, a provider, a caretaker, gardener etc. I just forgot who I was. What use to make me smile. How I use to joke and enjoy the moment. I keep talking about how my wife isn't the one I fell in love with and thats definitely true right now but I'm not sure when I stopped being the man my wife feel in love with all those years ago either. Of course we both grew but I stopped being even similar. Bitter and negative all the time.
I let a friend talk me into kind of a petty prank if you will. Not a big deal and it barely got a rise out of her at all. But I think its the first time since this all started that I felt like I was standing for myself. For the fact that the cheating, the disrespect, the cake eating just isn't alright. Its not something I can stand for morally. Its not something that will ever easily go away. This isn't really DBing I know but I wasn't really before anyway and I wasn't in a place mentally or emotionally to do it. Every time I did I just broke down. It may just be a temporary High who knows. But right now I feel like I can drop the rope and just see what happens. I can't even imagine what rebuilding trust with her could look like at this point or if its possible. But thats okay. I'll cross that bridge if it ever comes. Assuming I even still want to. Right now though I want to be able to keep smiling. I want to work on being the confident strong person I use to be, I never pursued my wife at the start. Not once in fact it was basically the opposite I pushed her away. I attracted her in a way that was like a drug she practically stalked me lol. I want to be that man again.
