Thanks, Scout. I think you’re totally correct in that it really doesn’t matter if his behaviors are driven by sociopathy or carelessness or hurt, at this point. It isn’t like he accidentally stepped on my toe. He methodically lies and cheated for two years, said he was ending it and recommitting to the M but was too weak and selfish to actually follow through.
Managed 24 hours without R talks at all. He has gone to bed early the last couple of nights I think to avoid talking. Still sleeping in our bed.
He got home from some errands today and I was filled with anger at him. I could barely look at him. I realized that these feelings were what started kicking off the R talks over the weekend— I was just so angry and hurt and wanted to lash out at him. This time I took some deep breaths and was able to restrain myself. (He was like, what are you doing? Are you ok? I said yes I’m fine, just doing some deep breathing. And didn’t explain myself more.) I made a couple of slightly dark jokes/comments (warned him there were bones in the fish I made for dinner and said be careful... or just choke on them... he kind of laughed and said he didn’t know if I was serious. I didn’t say anything.) but after dinner both girls cuddled with me on the couch and we watched a very silly movie all together (h by himself on the other side of the couch— a girl will go over to him if he asks for one but he hasn’t done that the last few days, just let me have them both) and I just breathed them in and finally relaxed.
I think restraining myself from these R talks is a good thing but hard. And difficult to sit in my anger without wanting to lash out at him. Any thoughts? Also when he says he is MO do I need to be calm or at some point do I get to tell him what a f-up he is?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
