You know I'm still right here next to you.... I feel like we are going through much the same path, except that my H has been in this place now for 2.5 years rather than 10 months and also is totally in love with his AP.
If you're following my thread you know where I am (and where I'm not, yet) with all of this. I think Alison gave you some really good advice on your end-- no point in working for four months on an M with someone who isn't fully committed. I mean, I just did that with someone who was saying he was committed with his mouth but wasn't truly committed in his heart, and it didn't get me very far. He felt like he was trying, but it was pretty half-@ssed, and I just don't think that is good enough to make any progress. I think your H has to want it and believe it is possible in order to "try". A shoddy four months of trying will just give him the check box out of "I gave it my best shot" rather than really have much real hope of success. It is like MC when they're ambivalent. Not really worth the time and energy, unless you're specifically in discernment or otherwise trying to move out of ambivalence within a certain time frame.
I asked my H to describe what M2.0 would look like, best case scenario. He honestly can't even do it. He just can't visualize not loving AP and falling back "in love" with me. There's a big part of me that is fighting that and saying well, of course he can't visualize it because he's so deep into fantasyland with AP that it would be crazy to imagine he could, and if only he could get the space and untangle himself there he would be able to see that future with me. The part you say about knowing in your bones what is best for him, and Alison gently saying maybe you don't but also how it comes off to him-- I know absolutely this is a dynamic in my own situation and my H is so so feeling like I'm not really listening to him, I'm dismissing his feelings, I'm setting out a course of action like I always do and expecting him to fall into line.
The hard thing is... no matter what you or I think or don't think is possible, it isn't just up to either of us, alone. *He* needs to feel it and believe it, consistently. And thought your H doesn't have the same sitch in terms of an AP I think that many of the same drivers are likely there, a longing for what could be, some fantasy situation, if only he wasn't too scared to follow his heart. I think there might also be some weird male thing happening here where they feel trapped and like somehow it is more pathetic or cliche for them to stay in their safe M rather than be free and following their authentic selves (or whatever). Whereas THAT path just seems like so cliche MLC and pathetic from my perspective, the equivalent of hair plugs and a convertible. But whatever. I know we shouldn't be trying to mindread our confused and sorry Hs.
Anyway, just wanted to say I know what you're going through, I'm doing it myself, and it is so so hard. Can you follow that same path you did before, dropping the rope and being OK with the next steps? How did you get there? (And maybe you can tell me the magic elixir? )
Also, does it have to be D if you aren't ready for that and he isn't ready to recommit? Is there some version of legal S you are OK with that could protect you and the children but not make you be the one to pull the actual trigger if that isn't what you want right now? I know you've gone through the whole separation part, which I have yet to experience, and it must be so hard on the kids to have him back and then maybe gone again. That is really unfair and messed up of him.
(((SAGE))) Hang in there.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
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