Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Say no, calmly and consistently, and see what happens. No to R talks, no to nursing him through whatever he feels like calling his cheating, no to proving you're not all the things he claims he is worried you are, no to accepting the fall out from his infidelity, no to taking the blame for his actions and no to keeping his filthy little affair a secret.

He'll either start treating you with respect or you will find it extremely easy to divorce him.

Alison, this is great advice. I have my next IC appointment tomorrow and maybe I can work with her more on why I am having trouble setting and maintaining these boundaries.

Progress for today: we managed to stop talking about the R before dinner yesterday and then didn't talk about anything meaningful after the kids went to bed. This morning he came up from working and gave me a hug. He asked me how I was doing and I said fine. He said he wasn't. I said let's take a break from talking about this, okay? You know what I think and I know what you think and it doesn't do us any good to keep going around and around on this. He said, I've been doing this for the past two years. I said OK. Well *I* need a break from this. And he said, yes, that is totally fair, I get it. So, we will see if he holds to that or not. For me, I need to believe how important this break is for me and take this space to focus on me, and simply stop engaging whether or not he is able to stop himself.

How do you stop thinking of him and OW together because it fills you with white hot rage you ask? YOU DO THINK ABOUT IT! I want you to think about it! I want you to be angry as h-ll about this! Heck, I am angry about it and Ive never even met him! May, this man has been jerking you around for soooo long -- jerking you all over the place and torturing you -- please, get angry! Because it is real and it is really happening and you could put a planet between them and it would still be real. The love he feels for her is all you need to know. It doesn't matter how close you think he is to you because he lives at home and plays house, or how far away she is, how often they talk, text, engage in phone s-x or s-x in real life, or any tangible detail. All those details don't matter. What matters is that he is thinking of her, he is wanting her, and therefore he is WITH her. She is the one. I am sorry that hurts, but that is the truth and it has been the truth for many years. In his mind and in his heart this is his truth and that is really all that matters. She is the one.

Last Sunday I was able to do this and feel the anger and believe him and it really helped in detaching. I *know* I could do this if he wasn't living here. I need to figure out a path to doing this without him necessarily being out of the house because I have no control over that at the moment.

May, I feel like we are friends even tho I don't know you. And not just because we are in the scorned wives club. I have read so many of your words. You are intelligent, open-minded and forgiving. Part of the problem with that is you are spending a tremendous amount of time trying to understand something that is not to be understood. You do this here on the boards and you do this with him any time you engage in conversation with him. All of this is having the opposite effect and is keeping you more attached to him. Remember the DB basics? They are counter intuitive. You let them go to get them back. You only focus on yourself without them. It is that simple. You have never done that. You have put an infinite amount of energy into understanding this, into him/his process and then you explain/rationalize/justify. And round and round you spin.

I feel like we are friends too-- you have been so generous and kind and helpful through all of this. I feel this connection with so many of you here. I truly don't know where I'd be without the enormous compassion of people from around the world who are so giving of their time and energy to help me, this complete stranger. It is actually overwhelming when you think about it.

The trying to understand that which is not to be understood is sitting with me. Ugh. I have to dissect EVERYTHING. And I think maybe what I'm trying for subconsciously in all these talks is to convince myself that it will never work with him, he doesn't have the internal strength or motivation or vision or whatever to *see* what I can see. Like I have to understand the workings of his mind and anticipate what he is going to do in order to make my own best move next. I need to let all that go and just decide what is best for myself no matter what. And detaching-- stop letting his actions or words affect my emotions.

My narrative to myself has been his mind is clouded with AP and once she is gone and the 'affair fog' clears he'll be back. But truly believing him, that she is his one true love, he is already with her in every meaningful way, she is the one for him. That does hurt. Though strangely that makes me feel more sad than angry. The anger surfaces more with the trappings and anything to do with the children.

I think you really need to keep it simple. You are not together, he is with her and so now you focus on you. The only energy worth expending is on yourself and your Rs with your kids. He and only he f-d up your M and family and that is for him to own. On his own. Every time you engage in convo with him you take ownership and absolve him of some. It hurts. It is terrible. And you should be angry! Once you allow some anger in, I think you can begin to face your reality. It wont be easy to move on as single mom and head of household, but you can do it. You will rock at it! Whatever choices he makes with himself and the kids is his to own now. I would not even worry about that now. ... It is time to let him go and move forward. There is a beautiful life ahead once you make this leap!

The week after I found out he had reconnected with AP, I sat through this compassion training program which included a loving kindness meditation practice. There was one section where you had to envision all suffering in the world and breathe it in, transform it inside of you, and breathe out compassion and loving kindness. This was totally overwhelming for me, just the idea of knowing how I am suffering right now and imagining exponential suffering all over the world since mine is not really that big a deal in the grand scheme, and then the horror of breathing that inside my body.

But when I think about it that is what I have been doing for H, or trying to do. As much as he is responsible for his own actions and is now partially living the consequences of his own actions-- he is suffering. I see it and I feel it and even with all that he's done I still have love for him in my heart, and my instinct is to do what I can to help ease his pain. I think I would do that for anyone if it were within my power. I have so rarely had the real anger and motivation to sustain turning that off that it keeps slipping through my grasp and I go back to the status quo. Scout said this is going to drain me dry. For my own good I need to maintain and sustain a wall and stop taking in his problems. Mine are big enough! This is just an uncomfortable place for me. I guess that discomfort promotes growth, right... I need to go through this valley in order to get to the other side. Work I need to do on myself.