Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

First I wanted to respond to the SSM. I think you have given it enough mental space. It happened. You have taken responsibility and you understand your motivations. But no amount of thinking is going to make him understand your motivations. He has to want to forgive you but he can't do that because doing that so would lay bare his own faults. Stop feeding him and stop torturing yourself.

I think I'm making baby steps of progress on this. I can't change the past. We had some go-rounds this weekend where he varied from "WHY didn't you have this revelation before" to "maybe the A had to happen in order for you to have enough motivation to change." I've been sitting in the latter spot, because it is a part of my pie-in-the-sky dream narrative that this all had to happen in order for us to build a better R on both of our sides. Now.... I'm trying to let that fantasy go. I see him just wanting to lean so much of the blame onto me for "causing the conditions" that put him in a place to cheat. Like he doesn't have his own agency in any of this. But you're absolutely right in that I've done my work on this, and there is nothing for me to do on his side of the equation. He will be motivated to want to understand and forgive, or he won't. (WHY can I say this here and know it to be true 100% but then in the moment I simply can't help myself and need to argue with him? I think I'm realizing (Alison has been especially helpful here) that maybe there is more truth to his controlling narrative than I wanted to believe. That I *did* use tiny little manipulations and actions and words to get him to do what I wanted. Letting go of those behaviors and compunctions of my own is hard, but at least I'm starting to see them. I think again, I need to slow down and remember I'm going to be OK no matter what happens.)

The other thing I would suggest is to stop thinking about the future. Right now all you need to do is get on with today. What is May doing today which is just for May. Do something that makes today special, not grand spectacular special, just special. Go for a run or call a friend and see about meeting in the park and going for a long walk, find a new recipe and bake a cake/special dinner with the kids.

Everything else can wait.

I can do this. Also I got eight hours of sleep last night which makes such a big difference for me. My pattern has been (after the initial crisis when I can barely sleep at all) to get one good night and one bad night... So I think I'll try some extra sleep measures tonight, like a warm bath and OTC meds or something. Chose a movie to watch with the kids, been marinating some fish I bought at the market (which was fun in and of itself since H has been doing the shopping and I really enjoyed just getting out of the house). Yoga. Thanks, FS. x