Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Scout, I missed this post yesterday.

Why on earth would you do a post-D budget for him?!

1. Out of guilt?
2. So he gives you permission to D?
3. To reassure him?

I mostly did it to reassure myself that I wasn't asking for anything unfair. I think if we were going to do a usual D here, the default would be we split the kids 50-50 and I would get no child support since we make basically the same amount of money. In that case I couldn't afford the mortgage on this house on my own, even if I could borrow the money to buy him out. His income is more variable than mine so I had been worried back in Dec/Jan that if we split and had 50-50 physical custody, I would actually have to pay HIM because he had a bad year last year if we were using our 2019 tax returns as the standard. (That idea does enrage me and I think I would keep dragging this out out of pettiness for that reason alone... but the attorney said what matters is current monthly income, not last year's tax returns.) He is doing way better this year with solid clients and so is now making more than me, so he would be just fine and able to save more than I could if he gets an apartment even with the financial arrangement I'm proposing. I guess I just wanted to know I wasn't being unreasonable. It wasn't hard to do since we have (he actually made) a very detailed family budget, so easy to split in half and work in the differences that D would make once I did it for myself.

I guess I would possibly show it to him just to demonstrate that I would be fine on my own. He so wants D to be a team sport-- I like how you put that. He wants me to be OK with this and plan out the next evolution of our R together. I guess that is a big thing I'm fighting against right now, in that I don't want that. Though I'm also pulled by the idea that if this is happening anyway, is this a way to ensure I get the best deal possible for myself and my kids? But that isn't where or who I am, at least not at this moment. I think I need to sit with it more. I at least feel good that I did the budget and mapped it all out, so that is no longer a fear of uncertainty (though of course there are multiple levels of uncertainty in there given that I can only control one half of this equation).

But I just don’t see you getting anywhere with these talks. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. He says his lines, you say yours, and the stalemate continues. That’s how it looks from the outside. I’m here shaking my head reading the same convo over and over.

YES. True. I think about it sometimes when I'm typing it all out and shake my head at myself too. It is a weird compulsion and totally not DBing.

If you’ve got YOUR budget figured out and you can swing it - why not look for your own place? A separate living situation is a long way from a legal D. It leaves the door open for R if that’s what you want. Lots of people do temporary separations. The kids will be okay. You can make it exciting for them. They WILL be okay, I promise.

Honestly, the best decision is neither of your options. It’s to say “I’m moving out”. I also believe this is your one and only chance at reconciliation. Moving out doesn’t mean D or even S. You will need to have that talk about finances and custody, but there’s no point unless you’ve made the decision to leave, IMHO.

The attorney strongly recommended against me moving out both for the house and child custody reasons and I really, really don't want to do it. He is considering MO himself now which is better than him moving to the basement in my opinion.

On the fighting for the house thing-- it is a 100% empty threat and I'm not worried about it at all. It came up again at some point over the weekend. I looked him in the eye just like you suggested and said ok. Do it. He backed down immediately (haha and then shifted into the self-pity mode). If I think about it in the narcissist self-pity/charm/rage channels, like Blu wrote on Alison's thread, my H is absolutely self pity-charm-self pity. And the funny thing is that anger used to be his go-to. Now it doesn't work with me at all. In fact it steels and fuels me for detachment. Maybe he has seen that doesn't work anymore but the charm and self-pity certainly still do so he's leaning there now. I have to get to a point where those don't work either. Just easier said than done.