When I started this thread there were big question marks around what it was I was standing for. Was I simply standing still fearful of an uncertain future and letting some sort of atrophy stop me from moving forward or was there actually hope for my M. I still don't know the answer, but either way, I suspect this will be my last thread in Newcomers and I will either join the piecing or the separated forum.
General update I went on a date yesterday (stroll in the park). The first in nearly a year, and probably my last for a while. I turned my dating profile off about a week ago (as was finding the the whole thing burdensome) and this was the last chap to make it through. He was the right age, had been through a separation (over 2 years ago), seemed enthusiastic about life, and I found his conversation intelligent, funny and well though out. But when I met him, I simply wasn't feeling it. Whilst he was indeed intelligent and easy to talk to, I didn't feel any sort of spark. After the date he sent a message saying he would like to see me again, perhaps a meal of some sort, and (I cowardly) said that would be lovely but that I have the children next weekend so it would have to wait until the following. Not a lie. But not entirely honest either. I know, I know. I am hoping my lack of enthusiasm will temper his.
I honestly don't think online dating is for me. This is the second time I've tried it and it just doesn't feel natural. But I am not sure what the alternative is. I guess I will just have to be patient and hope that someone comes along who ticks all the boxes and if not, then be happy on my own. Which I think I am (more or less). The thought that my H was found someone does upset me. And yes, I know how stupid that sounds. It is not a raging jealousy. It's sadness, I guess rather than jealousy.
Where I stand with him I do not know. He continues to get upset over stupid things - the other day when the children and I were talking about going away for a long weekend in October, he came out of the rest room (he was picking them up and had stopped to use the toilet) in a foul mood, said to me "we need to chat about formalising holiday dates" and then turned to the children and said "we're going". When I spoke to him about getting the outside of the house cleaned (as it hasn't been done in years) he said "We're not putting the house on the market yet .... I'm not contributing.". He even refuses to go halves on clearing up the childrens playhouse. Apparently "[he] does everything around here". I am trying to keep an even keel (for example, when he said formalising holiday dates, I said "sure" and when he said about not paying for things I said "No problem"). He has also been more critical of things around the house. The windows need cleaning (I have a lot of windows/glass doors), the garden needs mowing, the laundry needs tidying. Just the act of being in the house seems to trigger him at the moment. I am trying not to read into this and more importantly I am trying not to react. Lots of "Sure" and "OK" and "No problem". His texts are so abrupt and rude that my 'perky' responses must be a bit off putting.
The 'OW' I am not sure if other woman is the correct term. We have been separated a long time but I don't know what to refer to her as. I am still 100% certain that there was no third party when we split. I am also certain that there has been many women since we split. This is just the first that he felt I needed to know about. So, it's been about three weeks since the "We need to have a chat. I am seeing someone. We met before lock down. I have not seen her since lock down began (a lie). It's gotten to that point. I am going to tell the children." monologue (that by the way is not a summary of the conversation - that WAS the conversation with the exclusion of an "OK" from me at the end) and I don't think he has mentioned it to the children yet. Neither has said anything to me. Neither has acted any differently. In any case, I think telling me was him reacting to something I had done (he reacts to some perceived injustice by trying to punish me) and not actually him wanting to tell the children. I assume also, that he is getting some pressure of her to tell the children and the two things were on his mind. But I don't think he has actually told them. So, bar asking him if he has told them, I don't really know. I know that a friend saw him driving around with a dark haired female the other morning so i assume he is still seeing her.
I guess the focus should be on me and how I feel about this three weeks on. I am fine. I was fine when he told me and I am fine now. My behaviour hasn't changed - though he probably thinks it's weird I haven't asked any questions and didn't have a bigger reaction (the ok was akin to shrugging my shoulders). I go back to I am not jealous, just sad. One more nail in the coffin which houses my marriage.
D13 My relationship with D13 is getting better . We are still not chummy but she doesn't ignore me (she acknowledges my questions, she says thank you and I even got a smile the other day) and she doesn't hide away in her room. Small steps. I think lock down has been good for us - bridges haven't been built, but there is a tenuous rope and as long as I am steady, don't let her moods effect me, and maintain my calm, then we may make it to the other side.
