First I wanted to respond to the SSM. I think you have given it enough mental space. It happened. You have taken responsibility and you understand your motivations. But no amount of thinking is going to make him understand your motivations. He has to want to forgive you but he can't do that because doing that so would lay bare his own faults. Stop feeding him and stop torturing yourself.
The other thing I would suggest is to stop thinking about the future. Right now all you need to do is get on with today. What is May doing today which is just for May. Do something that makes today special, not grand spectacular special, just special. Go for a run or call a friend and see about meeting in the park and going for a long walk, find a new recipe and bake a cake/special dinner with the kids.
