He told me he spoke to her this morning and she is removing all pressure on him for a timetable. She was pushing that she was moving on unless.........He really wants one of us to make the decision for him. Sounds like she isn't going to be the one. And I'm still unwilling to give him that gift.
Why were you listening to this? walk away when he starts talking about OW!
Originally Posted by may22
Here's the thing. Even though I've said repeatedly he is free to go, this is his decision, he doesn't feel that he is free to go because he thinks I'll be vindictive about the children and will not make decisions in their best interests once we split.... But he can't make that decision without knowing that the kids will be OK and he doesn't believe that they will unless I am Happy McDivorcee.
This is still all focused on him. What HE thinks...how HE feels......don't go there. He is responsible for his own feelings and actions. You hold on to what YOU think is okay for YOU. how YOU are feeling.
Originally Posted by may22
He has proven himself to be a weak, lying, cheater. Unable to stick to NC for four months with AP, insisting on doing everything his own way. I don't want that. I don't want a life with someone who always holds a candle for his long-lost mistress and never really falls back in love with me. With someone who would resent me for representing him giving up all that he could have had if only I'd have 'let' him. And this all assumes we don't end up back in the same place in another four months. I deserve a full R with a loving, equal partner, and he's not exactly a good bet right now.
more of this. looking at his actions and not what he possibly could be thinking or feeling behind his actions. You know you deserve better. And he just isn't that right now.
Originally Posted by may22
So here's my question. Do I sit down with him and go over what a post-S relationship would look like?
Or, do I sit tight and let him stew and make his own decision? I feel like that is the better answer, assuming I want to hold onto the position of making him be the one to do it. I wrote out this afternoon what I would propose we say to the children, together. For whatever reason, as I went through that, it is still important to me to be able to say that Daddy is doing this, not Mommy. I know I can work on this part as it is not my fault we are in the situation we are in... it is his. But I'm not there yet.
You control your own behavior, therefore just like you cannot force him to move out, you cannot expect him to agree to tell your children together about D. You don't need to sit down and paint a picture of post-s relationship for him. You don't need to spell it out for him. You've said explicitly to him that his fantasy is not going to be the reality. yet he still wants it. The more you try to "make him understand" the more it seems like you are unable to leave him.
