Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Thanks, Wooba. I am not feeling that right now... maybe I am being who I want to be when I type things out here and then in real life am just weaker and more afraid.

Backslid with R talks this weekend, though he generally respected my boundaries around not talking about AP or the fantasy D scenario. My problem was I was unable to stick to my "I don't want to discuss this" lines. In several talks this weekend, I have continued to maintain that I think it is not in the best interest of the children to D and as parents I feel strongly that we should give our R our best shot, for them, before pulling that gigantic trigger. That walking out the door is a bright line for me and not something I can forgive him for. And that I refuse to discuss any future options that include me being OK with AP in the picture in any way, shape, or form.

I have explicitly said over and over that this is his decision and I'm not going to make it for him. But that I'm not stopping him. He is free to go. (Steve, if you're reading, he said again this afternoon OK, I want to MO. He was looking at places and found one nearby that isn't so bad. I said OK, is that your decision? he said yes. I said ok when shall we tell the children? He said let's do it now. I said OK. We stared at each other for a minute or so without moving and then he blinked first. He said I don't WANT to move out. I don't WANT to live somewhere else. I don't WANT to get a divorce. I just want those things PLUS feel the way AP makes me feel. I said, this is your decision.)

He told me he spoke to her this morning and she is removing all pressure on him for a timetable. She was pushing that she was moving on unless he had a real plan to split with me because of fear of getting hurt again and has "realized" that she is already too deep again and will get hurt no matter what. So she is removing pressure from him for a plan, she doesn't want her fear to get in his way. (UGH.) He feels that he has made a commitment to her as he has told her he wants to spend his life with her so leaving her is breaking that commitment, breaking her heart, consigning her to a sad and lonely life without him. (double UGH.) He wants to be with her but is scared of the repercussions of leaving me. He really wants one of us to make the decision for him. Sounds like she isn't going to be the one. And I'm still unwilling to give him that gift.

Here's the thing. Even though I've said repeatedly he is free to go, this is his decision, he doesn't feel that he is free to go because he thinks I'll be vindictive about the children and will not make decisions in their best interests once we split (because to him remaining friends and spending time together is a critical part of their future well-being). That he thinks I'll vilify her or him to them. (Of course he bounces back and forth between that and not believing me, thinking that I'll of course end up being nice and happy for the sake of the children.) He says he WANTS to go. He WANTS to be with her. He doesn't see how he can get her out of his system without trying to be with her first. if he stayed he'd be resentful and would never, ever fall out of love with her. He's still mad at me about the SSM and doesn't know if he can forgive me for that. He could imagine best case scenario being friends and having fun and all the stuff we were doing in lockdown, but can never imagine having a fulfilling "in love" MR with me again. That he has fallen out of love with me and thinks there is too much between us including what he has done with the A to ever really reconnect. That he is afraid that we try and still end up Ded a few years down the line and then he has lost his chance with AP forever. But he can't make that decision without knowing that the kids will be OK and he doesn't believe that they will unless I am Happy McDivorcee.

If I take all this at face value... which I'm trying to (though my traitorous heart keeps saying that once he gets her out of his system, he's the kind of person who always post-hoc decides whatever happens was the best thing that could possibly have ever happened, so he *will* work on the MR with me and we have actually a very good chance of M2.0 if we work at it together)... there is truly no point to staying with him. He has proven himself to be a weak, lying, cheater. Unable to stick to NC for four months with AP, insisting on doing everything his own way. I don't want that. I don't want a life with someone who always holds a candle for his long-lost mistress and never really falls back in love with me. With someone who would resent me for representing him giving up all that he could have had if only I'd have 'let' him. And this all assumes we don't end up back in the same place in another four months. I deserve a full R with a loving, equal partner, and he's not exactly a good bet right now.

So here's my question. Do I sit down with him and go over what a post-S relationship would look like? I downloaded all the D worksheets and have what I feel is a fair financial and child physical custody split to propose to him. (At least a good negotiation starting point.) I think he'd be OK with it in general, though there are a few things he won't like (not getting to take the children on multi-week vacations, for instance, which he considers to be a "threat" since this is something he wants so much. Whereas I have only considered this past year letting him take the kids on a vacation without me for 2 weeks maximum only because I gave a $hit what he wanted as my H. Once I no longer have to take his feelings into consideration, that goes out the window.) I have done budgets for us each separately with S and D scenarios both, and one with me trying the consulting route and less income at first. (yes, I know that doing his budget for him is controlling/whatever. But I don't need to show him that one.

If we don't actually get divorced right away, I would propose to write up a post-nup agreement that would outline what we're agreeing to now. We can split our savings and get separate accounts and treat our finances separately, which I think we should be able to write into the post-nup and keep our own $$s. I have a proposal for financial support based on our state's I actually think I am better off financially if we stay married on paper, at least for awhile while I work on my consulting business, if I decide to go that route. And I also think I have the most leverage right now that I'll ever have. But even with all of that, I still can't bring myself to be the one to tell him I want to S or D.

Or, do I sit tight and let him stew and make his own decision? I feel like that is the better answer, assuming I want to hold onto the position of making him be the one to do it. I wrote out this afternoon what I would propose we say to the children, together. For whatever reason, as I went through that, it is still important to me to be able to say that Daddy is doing this, not Mommy. I know I can work on this part as it is not my fault we are in the situation we are in... it is his. But I'm not there yet.