H has been back in the house for almost two weeks. The first several days were amazing and then he went cold and did a 180 on his treatment of me and our R. And now he is saying that he thinks he wants a D, that he has a huge void in him that has been there a long time and that he believes I can never, ever fill for him. Back to the re-writing of history and all the decisions we have made in building our life together for the past nearly decade and a half. That he will never be happy with me and if he doesn’t do this he will be a shell of a person for the rest of his life. That he loves me and feels super strongly towards me, but that I don’t fulfill him in some way.
But he hasn’t been a shell of a person for the past 14 years. I know this. This shell of a person has only been present since our current situation erupted about 10 months ago. And I know in my bones that if he were to give us some time, we would get to a better place than we have ever been.
We had a big R talk where he asked me what’s wrong with him and how he could be making so many decisions that don’t feel right. We had a discussion about childhood trauma and the impact that is having on him right now. And then he asked me to take him upstairs, after which he had another breakdown of ‘I can’t do this anymore’. He asked me to leave him. He asked me why I wasn’t leaving him.
I asked for four months. Of leaning into our M and giving us time. That if after 4 months he still felt the same way, we would work through a D. He is vacillating. Four months would give me the space to know that we did everything in our power to make it work and if it didn’t then I would accept it.
I’m struggling. I’m able to DB until we get into these R talks and then I am back to square one. I want the time to work on things, but know that one hand can’t clap alone.
