Bttrfly, if only I could sit in that knowledge and acceptance rather than seemingly keep circling back around to it! Maybe it is just the shape of my journey right now. I was thinking how strange it is today that I can still experience brief feelings of disbelief at how night and day different everything is now—what I thought my marriage was, what it is now.
May—yes, it was Insecure! It made me think about how H had been building walls in the last few years too—being on his phone all the time, staying up and playing video games, etc. I didn’t have the R knowledge or perspective to think of it in that way then.
Kind of funny also to think that the last show we watched together shortly after BD was the Veronica Mars reboot. We still have one episode left in the season (I think H just started cutting communication and staying out with his friends), but I’ve never gone back to it. Oh, we did finish Big Little Lies together after BD also, and I was sobbing during the scene when Adam Scott recommits to his M. H and I used to watch Insecure together too. Sometimes I wonder: does he ever experience any recognition like that? Does literally anything ever summon a good memory of our R for him? Does he ever dream of me like I do of him? I would think sleep would be one place he would lose his ability to shut everything out, to compartmentalize, but maybe not.
Anyway, I just finished Insecure and the finale has a couple more scenes that hit me in a similar, though slightly less immediate and powerful way. I was imagining what you would think of them... I wish we could watch together!
Originally Posted by may22
For me, fear-- both for myself and for my children, which get put into different buckets; loss; grief; expectations; stubbornness; impatience. Loss of control.
Yes to all of that. I have had a hard time lately sorting through my feelings. I think maybe some of the boot him to the curb! attitude has gotten to me, because I felt a small weight lifted when bttrfly posted—like I had been unknowingly feeling pressure to be less kind, and I feel a bit less anxious about that today. Being kind is not telling him it is okay, it is just for me. But I find it so hard to balance neutral and neighborly and kind sometimes. Have to watch that I am not tiptoeing around, make sure I’m okay with finishing the last of the ice cream (which I did last week).
I’m glad this feels like an oasis of calm! It does not feel like that to me much of the time. More like a sea of doubt. Yours feels like a source of strength and intelligence and fierceness to me, even if you are also trying to sort through your feelings right now. I do think you will come to more balance and find some waves of centered-ness again.
I love that you have a cardinal visitor! I didn’t think we had them much out here. I hope you found some peace in your garden, may. (((May)))
