Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Hi FS,

I've spent a lot of time thinking and reading about sex and desire. Emily Nagowski has been especially helpful in this for me, and Esther Perel too. I definitely want to work through it with my IC now, but essentially I think my identity as a mom completely took over my identity as a woman. All the formerly sexual parts of my body were utilitarian. When my daughters were born they gave me a mirror and that was all I could picture when my H would look at that part of my body. My breasts were milk bags and I was terrified I would leak milk. The idea of sex felt gross. I didn't feel sexy or desirable in any way. I had a pretty intense executive job and all day long, people WANTED something from me. At work, at home. I was overloaded by touching with the children-- it not only fulfilled any contact need I had (and I don't have a lot) but overwhelmed me such that at the end of the day I wanted nothing more than for no one to touch me and no one to ask me anything.

There were also dynamics between H and me, times when I felt he was being selfish, or rude. I'd go to bed without it being resolved and he'd pop up a half hour later and try to initiate sex. It would infuriate me. I felt like he had an itch and sex would scratch it, not that he was in love with me and needed me to be physically intimate with him. He never said those things to me. I've read a lot about men needing sex to connect and women needing to feel connected before wanting sex, and I think this was a definite dynamic in our R. I got to a point where any touching-- backrub, arm around the shoulder, hug, kiss, leg brushing up against another-- scared me because I was afraid it would lead to H wanting sex, so I avoided all physical contact.

The only times we would talk about it would be in bed, when I'd refuse sex and H would get angry, I'd get defensive, and would shut down. He would get really upset and emotional but I don't really think I tried to understand where he was coming from or what it was like for him. I retreated into feeling defensive and nagged and misunderstood. He never raised the issue outside of that context, or let me know how much it impacted him emotionally. We probably had sex once or twice a month after D8 was born, unless we went on vacation without the kids, which happened a handful of times and during which I could always relax and we would reconnect romantically, have sex, etc. Probably half the times we had sex after H asking was boring missionary (because that was all I would agree to, and I stared at the ceiling and waited for it to be over. The other half of the times I would get into it, H would look me in the eyes and say... see? Isn't this great? And I would feel it for those moments, but it never carried over into the next time he asked.

I talked to two doctors, who both said it was normal. Many women don't want sex after kids, you're busy, it will come back. I read online articles that said "make it a priority" and "fake it til you make it-- once you start you'll eventually start wanting to again." I couldn't make myself do this. I couldn't explain to H or myself what was going on because I didn't really understand it. The most I might have said is that I didn't feel sexy, and he would say but I think you're sexy, which I didn't really believe, and he didn't spend a lot of time or energy trying to convince me in a way I understood. I think he felt that saying that and showing me he wanted me by initiating sex was telling me. I needed something more, or different-- mostly, I needed to see MYSELF as a sexual being again.

The other dynamic for me, I think, is that in all of this I stopped seeing H as a human being and started seeing him more just as what he represented-- father, husband, sometimes PITA. He was another person I had to manage. Things he cared about a lot that I thought were kind of stupid, like watching professional sports, were tolerated but I always felt he was being selfish. One time, he wanted to fly to visit his brother and go to a football game, there were many reasons why it was so special that I can't really remember. Our eldest daughter was maybe one. I was overwhelmed with work and parenting and not enough sleep and was outraged he would consider this trip-- spending money just on himself, taking time away from me and the baby. That I was going to have to deal with it all by myself for no reason other than H wanting something for himself. We got into a huge fight about it and finally I told him, I'm not going to tell you no. You need to decide this one on your own. He made this huge list of pros and cons and deliberated over it for days. He ended up deciding to go. I was livid and felt betrayed and in fact I can trace a lot of my anger and disengagement with him back to this point, when I felt he chose himself over me and the kids. After that, if he'd ask "can I go to X" I would just say no, because I felt like I had given him a chance to make what was in my head the right choice and he didn't do it, so I would just say no. Sometimes we'd fight about it and he'd end up doing it anyway.

Now, I look back at that and I cringe. Pretty terrible behavior on my part. And, throughout all this time and H has consistently advocated for me to do things for myself. To spend time with my friends, to get a massage, to go on a girls weekend, to do things for myself that made me happy. He constantly pushed me here. And I never really felt comfortable spending a lot of money or time on myself. I felt guilty about it and would rarely do it. The only reason I have gotten back into yoga over the past 1.5 years is because H bought me a gift certificate for a large number of classes at a pretty pricey studio near our house. He had tried a bunch of places and felt this one was the best, but I was annoyed at him for spending so much $ on each yoga class and would never try it myself. He got a good Black Friday deal (he knows I like deals) on a gift card and gave it to me for Christmas and every day encouraged me to go. This is also something that DB has helped quite a bit for me, getting comfortable with GALing and doing things just for me.

That Christmas (2018) marked the first year of his A, during which I had no clue. In November or so he had broken it off with AP and they didn't start talking again until January. The other present H bought me that year was a long weekend at my favorite hotel, an ultra-romantic spot where we'd spent an amazing long weekend before kids. He arranged for us to go in February, when his parents would be here visiting and could watch the kids. Now I can see this as in his mind "trying", but then of course AP got back in the picture in January (she had a loss in her life and had no-one else to talk to but H, so called him and off it went).

That trip then, which we almost didn't go on because we were at the end stages of MC at that point and fighting like crazy and H was refusing to commit to a shared goal of a stronger M. Now thinking back, I think that last MC session was the first time he said something along the lines of maybe we shouldn't be married anymore. We spent the whole weekend having these very intense talks, crying, him finally telling me how hard the SSM had been on him, me somehow SEEING him for the first time in a long, long time, and the hardened clay that had dried around my heart and my feelings for him shattered. We slept together and I felt sexy for the first time in forever.

Typing all this (sorry guys, it is helpful for me to get it down on paper) I definitely see how my interest was probably sparked by the fear of loss that weekend. And this is my truth for what was going on with me. I'm not proud of my behavior or how I handled any of this. My perspective has totally shifted on all of this, from being able to view myself once again as a sexual being to not just tolerating but advocating for each of us to do things just for ourselves. Also, Alison once shared her perspective as the HD partner, and maybe it helps someone to get the perspective of the LD partner.

It was a couple of months after that weekend that H told me ILYB and that he was seriously contemplating D. I freaked out (again, in retrospect, wasn't as much of a bomb as I took it... I think I hadn't really been listening to what he was saying in MC, just fighting with him in front of her over him being a jerk and not agreeing with me to have a shared goal of strengthening our M). He went on a business trip (mm-hmm) I got a little space and read DR and Gottman and started implementing DB strategies when he got home-- 180s, GALing, avoiding R talks. On the Gottman front, recognizing and turning towards bids from him. And the relationship between the two of us improved dramatically. Yet another benefit of DBing-- no matter what happens, I've learned a lot about myself and how my actions can influence an R, both in positive and negative ways.

A long post. FS, I can't kick him out of the house in my state unless domestic abuse is an issue. Attorney agrees. I could potentially file a motion to request it but it starts to get in the thousands of dollars to pull that trigger and the likelihood is it would get denied. Scout, I really like that part about love, what it is and what it isn't. And, he simply can't own his [censored] right now. So I need to decide if I'm going to do the one thing I have said this entire time I wouldn't do--take the decision into my own hands and leave first-- or not. Alison, I do need to keep focusing on holding space for myself to think and listen to myself. I will say that it has generally been better and he's been respectful of my boundaries the last couple of days. We did talk some last night about our R, but I initiated, he didn't, and we didn't cross into the areas that I've explicitly said I don't want to venture.

He's off surfing now. Hopefully I can get him to take the kids on a hike again once he gets home so I can get some real space. I need to transcribe my notes from the attorney and she (and my exec coach also) recommended downloading the divorce packet from the State's website and to start going through it.

Thanks, everyone.