I have had some wrenches of real regret in this last go-round, where H said explicitly this never would have happened if I'd been sleeping with him ... It wasn't for another couple of months that I initiated sex (also in a totally half-hearted like I really knew I needed to because it had been a scarily long time kind of way)
I think you need to work through this with your IC. Not your H reactions to the lack of intimacy (those belong to him), but why YOU stopped engaging/taking interest in sex. This conversation needs to be about you. What your "H" calls excuses are your truth. Until you understand that truth, you will end up in the same place (maybe with your H, maybe with some other man) once the sparkle/novelty wears off (i.e. sex as duty).
Oh, on an earlier question of why you 'rediscovered your love and passion for him" - sex is one form of validation of our worth and our attractiveness.
It's not just the physical gratification you're missing, it's those memories of what comes with the physical gratification, the anticipation, the after glow and feeling of being secure, those words shared in the heat and aftermath of passion. This is your brain remembering the good parts and forgetting, that actually sex had (prob) become routine - five minutes in the missionary and then falling asleep - which is probably why you stopped being interested in it in the first place.
Originally Posted by May
Anyway, when this comes up, I mostly try to validate.
I remember a quote from Kate Moss. At the time she didn't talk to the media which helped keep an air of mystery about her. "Don't explain, don't complain". Validation doesn't mean explaining yourself. I use to find myself being blamed for something (something going missing, the rubbish not taken out to be collected) and feeling forced to explain/defend myself. "It couldn't have been me that moved it, I've been out all day", or "I was late home and exhausted and it slipped my mind" blah blah blah. But May, he didn't care what my excuse/explanation was because he had already made up his mind that it was my fault. He just wanted to have a moan at me and make me feel small. Now, when he says something to me pointing out I've forgotten/miss-placed something I simply say "OK". So when he brings it up simply say "You've explained how that made you feel and I'm sorry for that. I do think the subject has been exhausted".
May, I am not sure what the laws are where you live, but here you cannot make him leave if he does not want to go unless there is domestic (and I assume this means physical) violence involved.Those movie scenes of clothes angrily shoved in black bin bags and left on the front driveway to be discovered by the cheating spouse aren't a reflection of most of our situations, well not, if those cheating spouses are sensible enough to go seek legal advice.
The only thing you can do is request the emotional space to process (which you've done) and if he does not respect that request, make clear through your actions you will have that space anyway. Right now you share a home. He is a flatmate. Try and think of him as one - you don't pry into each other's lives and you don't overshare. If he tries to engage in relationship talk, cut it off and say "I don't think it's appropriate that you discuss this with me". Pleasantries and elevator conversations is where you are at at the moment. You can build on this later.
