Alison, there is a theory that cheaters, narcs, and abusers have three mindf*ck channels - rage, charm, and self-pity. This was true for my X and I wonder if its true for yours. I don’t even believe it has to be intentional as they are emotionally like children mashing buttons on a controller to see what works. They will flip between all three depending on which one gets their desired reaction at the time. If they can’t intimidate you, they’ll seduce you. If they can’t seduce you, they’ll get you to feel very sorry for them and imply this is all your fault. If they can’t get you to to feel sorry for them, they’ll intimidate you. Repeat. May, if you’re reading - this applies to you too.
Yes, I don't think my H would consider any of his tactics to be abusive or at the very least bullying (though they are) and I am sure that he doesn't wake up in the morning and rub his hands and think 'now, how can I bully and dominate my wife today!' - that kind of out and out malice would be easier to stop and easier to deal with, wouldn't it?
I suspect that he'd like a peaceful and calm marriage just as much as I do. I do think he loves me, and I think he wants this house, and our family, and our children to be happy and secure. For me, the way of achieving that is to have adult, rational conversations about matters where we differ so we can come to an agreement that suits us both and where nobody is simmering in resentment (him) or boiling with choked down contempt (me). I've been offering those conversations and trying to have them for months. His version of achieving what he wants is for me to do as I am told and meet all of his needs and preferences without him communicating them or negotiating for them, and without me having any needs of his own. I'm not a person, in his vision he has of peaceful and happy family life, I am a prop - a wife-shaped doll with a smile on her face.
I guess that is why sometimes it is good - we aren't that different on a lot of things that matter, and can live relatively harmoniously in some respects without the need for constant discussions or negotiations. We have a similar attitude to housework, to money - and in these areas I think we both do our share and we both are in agreement of what 'good behaviour' looks like. We rarely talk about these things. When he starts picking at me about housework it is because he's annoyed about something else.
But when we do differ, and I point that out and ask for my view to be listened to and respected, and ask him for his view so I can take account of it and we can come to a decision together, he can't do it. He really doesn't like the doll talking.
It's very strange. He spoke last night about being tired of the conflict - he said, 'the past couple of mornings that's all I get from you,' - I didn't point this out - but what he'd actually got from me both times was a rational question, an offer of an adult conversation, and respect of his space if he didn't. Both times I needed to block him because he wouldn't stop the ranting controlling flood of texts. He has so little self awareness it's creepy.
