Finding and living compassionate indifference

[DnJ]

Hi cardinal

I'm trying to get at something here, but I don't quite know what it is yet.

Be patient, in time, answers will present themselves.

If you push too hard for answers, you push what you seek further away.

Watch for expectations. They do sneak in... unexpectedly.

I will never stop waiting for this kind of conversation to happen between me and H. I could see clearly, in that moment, that even if we'd been apart for years, even if I had moved on to a life I'd never imagined for myself with someone else, somewhere in the back of my mind I would still be waiting for that exchange. For a reckoning at least, if not a reunion. Ugh. Ugh because that possibility would of course depend on H doing the work and examining/understanding his share of the responsibility in our M. Ugh because I feel like there will always be some sliver of me, even if buried, that is wanting to see what it would have been like to try with H and not simply be BD, will always be thinking this can't be how things end, he can't be a stranger forever.

You do have to go through this process. Sorry.

You are expecting this future conversation. It is being currently unmet and you are feeling resentment.

Let go of the timeline. Let go of expecting. Focus on your life.

Hope sounds different. Acceptance sounds different.

is this just me trying to be compassionate but indifferent

Be compassionate and indifferent, not compassionate but indifferent. Be both. And “be” not try.

When indifferent you won’t speak from those feeling of longing and wondering - “ Ugh because I feel like there will always be some sliver of me, even if buried, that is wanting to see what it would have been like to try with H and not simply be BD”. Let go. Find acceptance. You’re being dragged around.

“will always be thinking this can't be how things end, he can't be a stranger forever” - can’t? The unintended consequences of using “can’t” - in attempting to bolster hope it erodes it. Hope live in the possibilities. If you believe this can’t be how things end, that keeps you stuck. Keeps you from moving forward. Keeps you from possibilities because you can’t won’t see any others. And when you stop seeing possibilities you stop seeing hope. Expectations take over, go unmet, and resentment eats away at you.

Putting away the thinking of what can’t happen allows you to focus on what can happen.

Compassionate indifference, acceptance, sounds different:

I hope to someday have this kind of conversation between me and H. I can imagine, in that moment, even if we'd been apart for years, even if I had moved on to a life with someone else, somewhere in the back of my mind I would still be open for that exchange. For that possibility to become reality would of course depend on H doing the work and examining/understanding his share of the responsibility in our M and it’s demise. Currently, there is some part of me that would like to explore reconciliation with H and not simply be BD. For now, things are how they are. I have hope that things can change; that H won’t be a stranger forever.

cardinal, it looks like you are letting go more and more. Letting go - it’s scary, it hurts, and it doesn’t feel quite right. Counterintuitive.

I’ve reframed you’re words a bit, not to detract from your feelings, for they are valid and true. I’ve reframed because feelings are temporary. I’ve reframed to hopefully show a bit of what an indifferent and caring and hopeful view can look like.

You are on a good path - don’t fret. It does take some time. Be patient.

D