WAW and I are meeting this Tuesday - apparently she has finally gotten the forms ready for the legal separation and wants to go over them with me. If you've been following my bizarre saga, she's held firm that she's been ambivalent and unable to determine whether she wants to work on things or move on until this legal separation is in place, so I guess now is where the rubber meets the road.
I've been in rough shape this week, but in working with my IC and some close friends, I've come to realize that it's because I'm finally moving through the denial phase and progressing into something more realistic. That doesn't necessarily make the pain any less, but it means that I'm growing and getting stronger and approaching things from a healthier mindset. It's alway the darkest before the dawn, or so they say.
So far as Tuesday, I plan to be respectful but fight for what is best for me, and if that causes conflict, so be it. I do not know what insight she thinks she'll gain from this that will help her make a decision one way or another, but that's not my concern. If anything it might work to my advantage to set boundaries, fight for what is fair to me, and stand up for myself.
It's still very tough overall. For as much as I can point to positive things - I'm a young-ish (38), successful man in NYC - I still very much want to work it out and keep fighting for the M I had. That's not up to me, and I'll be fine either way. One day at a time, I guess.
One thing I'm working on with my IC is the idea of failure and blame. As I mentioned before, I very much think of this as a failure and while I don't assign 100% of the blame to myself, I do blame a majority of it on me, and it's very hard to forgive myself right now. If I look at my friends, the ones who are divorced are the ones with obvious problems, the alcoholics and the professionally stunted, and I just don't fall into that category in my mind. I'm embarrassed to talk about my situation, even with friends, because I just never thought I'd be here. What kind of person gets separated after 2 years?
I know it's just negative, go-nowhere thinking, but it's hard to ignore it. I don't go as far as to think that she never loved me, or didn't want to get married to me -- I know she did, full on. But it's embarrassing to think about how quickly things went south. And while I know it's better to move on and forge a new life than to live an unhappy life forever, I do still believe in my heart of hearts that she and I could work it out if we tried. But it's not up to me. And it's hard not to beat myself up for the things I feel I did to cause this.
Well, we'll see how Tuesday goes I guess. I'm 99.99% sure this is the end of the road, and I'm going to have to move on and hit the reset button on my life. I think that's why I'm feeling as down as I am.
