Moving On Rather Slowly

[may22]

Thanks, FS. Today is rough. I am thinking back to him telling me maybe Tuesday when I was still powered by anger, May, I know you. You'll be like this for three or four days and then you'll let go of that anger and look at things differently. You've surprised me every time in how you deal with this stuff in the end but the one thing I do know is that you *will* let this anger go. At the time, I cut my eyes at him and walked away. Later that day, he make a joke and against my better judgment I cracked a tiny smile. He said, I told my mom today all I want is to make May smile. And I just did it.

And I know know know that this is probably just his manipulating me. I get it. There is just such a gap right now for me between understanding it intellectually and feeling it in my bones.

Because if you fall for the niceness he will just go back to his old ways.

Already happening. I only see this not happening if I get some actual space.

If you cave to the accusations, then he will go back to his old ways.

question on this...I pretty much have forgiven myself for the SSM. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I have had some wrenches of real regret in this last go-round, where H said explicitly this never would have happened if I'd been sleeping with him, and we were more like once a month for years and when he met AP we hadn't had sex in several months. (He says six, which I dispute, but it is immaterial.) At that point he decided to stop asking. Two months later he saw AP again and they slept together. He said he went into it on that trip in the flirtation period and then they slept together and he was BANG in love with her and it was too late.

It wasn't for another couple of months that I initiated sex (also in a totally half-hearted like I really knew I needed to because it had been a scarily long time kind of way). And he said no. That he had been waiting for me to initiate and I never did. That he finally realized I didn't want him sexually and I had broken him sexually. (not really, since he was steaming it up with AP, but again, I didn't know that at the time.) And it wasn't until a full year after that that i had my "awakening" during this long weekend where H walked away thinking we were going to get Ded and I rediscovered my love and passion for him. (<-- very much sounds like I realized my toy was missing and wanted it back, doesn't it?)

Anyway, when this comes up, I mostly try to validate. I have also more recently said I didn't feel like he cared to understand what was happening for me around that time, that the SSM was his "reason" for cheating but the factors that led to the SSM for me were "excuses." He listened to this, said no, he did want to understand, but that it just hurt him so badly, he didn't think I really got it, etc etc.

So in this case, would you say validating is caving? Should I just say I'm not interested in talking about that at this point? I mean, there really isn't much of a point from my view unless he was recommitting to the M. And that feels far off at the moment, plus I'm actively trying to stamp on those stupid thoughts.

He knows where I stand, I am sorry, I am not that person anymore. Which he does know-- he said he told his IC that the sex we've been having for the past four months is "not his wife" who only wanted missionary and as quick as possible but I also think there are other feelings in there, of anger still for the SSM and "oh now you want this when it is too late" and also the feelings that never went away for the AP. As I write this I'm convincing myself that there is no good reason to have any sort of talk about the SSM anymore. He knows where I stand, I know where he stands. More talk is not helpful. (Right?)

The thing is May, you need to just let him stew in it and carry on regardless.

This, I think I can do. Hold my (current) boundaries. Let him stew. Do my thing. Keep pondering these big questions. Maybe I just need a bit more time to grieve what I thought I had. Maybe the best I can do today is to hold the line on the A/R/Fantasy D talks. Keep focusing on my plans for a future without him and keep working on letting go of the fear. Maybe I can't be cold hard NC today, but maybe I can get there.