I HEART you Steve. It is who he is. I asked him while he was "home" during quarantine why he kept cheating and lying for months after I first found out... why do that instead of just being honest or whatever... I was seeing a great counselor at the time and she told me I was in full on PTSD. No one seems to talk about that much here. The trauma. I was not steady at all. I guess I am still not steady. She kept saying I needed some "safety" and I would tell him that and all his lies were about constructing a false sense of safety and security. Calling to check on me ten minutes before seeing her, constructing elaborate timelines of his movements etc. Anyway, I asked him why he kept lying and cheating and he said "I guess I wanted to see how much I could get away with."
I don't think I am here trying to stand for my M or save it or anything. Not after that. Even though he says he doesn't want a divorce, isn't sure how he feels or what he wants. I am just trying to get through each day and figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. Is it still okay for me to be here?
