[may22]

Hi Scout,

First off... thank you for sharing that. I know you've talked about it a bit before, but not to this extent. I can relate because I was a swimmer too and did doubles all through high school. I was nowhere near as good as you, but I saw a similar dynamic with our coach and the swimmers in our program who competed nationally, who ended up totally burning out. I got major overuse injuries in both shoulders. There is something wrong with the system itself, I think, that allows for those abusive coach-athlete dynamics to flourish and it feel OK to push your body past the point of injury.

As a side note, D10 joined a relatively relaxed swim team this past year. They only use five lanes for swim team and have free lap swimming in that last lane, so I started swimming again. The first practice was so awful. It was so hard for her (and me!), I could see her struggling to keep up, so so tired, and I was so tired and muscles burning swimming next to her... and realized that this was the first time she'd ever pushed herself to the edge physically for no purpose other than that. She plays soccer and runs hard to get the ball, but getting physically exhausted is a side effect, not the purpose. I felt SO BAD for her. I was exhausted and out of shape and wanted to stop, but kept going because I figured I couldn't quit if my tiny daughter was going to keep going. Anyway. It just was a huge eye opener for me about what swimming is really like.

It is really wonderful to see, though, how you can recognize how that experience has shaped you and maybe set you up in some ways for not recognizing the abuse that was happening in real time with your H. And he does continue to really sound like a piece of work that I'm so glad you have escaped.

Love is stupid and makes you act stupid - our spouses are proof of this. It doesn't matter whether or not I love him or whether or not he's always been an a$$hole. All that matters is that this relationship is not acceptable to me now. This person is not an acceptable partner for me now.

This is gold and so important. And so, so hard to tease apart the present from the past, the father from the husband, the history and the house and the shared friends and accounts and what actually remains once all of that is cleared out of the kernel of the relationship between H and W. I bounce back and forth between wishing I had your sitch, a true walkaway who didn't look back vs my own situation which-- to me, at least, today-- feels complicated and difficult. I often think, if we didn't have children, I'd be gone. If he moves out, I'd be gone. Sorting through my actual feelings on all of this and what *I* really want and need in this moment, now; what I want for the future for me and my kids; and to be able to look, clear-eyed, at my H and decide what the chances are of him becoming the H I need, and how to balance that with the kids.

Anyway. thanks for continuing to share your story.